Oh herkie, if I had the attention span I'd write you a counter-essay to disprove all of your fears. This was very touching to read, especially since we have been forced so far apart by....everything: school, activities, friend groups. I miss being with you, and it breaks my heart to hear this sort of darkness come from you. Let me say some things that might set an eye roll into motion (but it needs to be said): you ARE beautiful, you ARE fun and interesting and smart and clever and everything. You have one of the biggest wells of information known to man. You care more about your friends than someone cares about their own life. And you are strong. If you've managed to live through every curveball God (sorry, Catholicism holds down the shift key ^^) can throw at you, then there is nothing you can't handle. You should never let what someone else say affect you. In the grand scheme of things, they matter little to your life. You make your life. You are the one who controls things, and you are the one who permits the influence of others to leave a mark on you. Even if you fear embarrassment or contempt at another's hands, it will only be a momentary feeling. You are your own safety net. You need to keep your threads strong.
And it's okay about the relationships and the future plans. For boys, you have thrill of the chase. You love the rush you get, you love the romance of it. But you're very practical- you always have been. Relationships mean that you DO need to allow another's opinion to influence something in your life, even if it is minute. You have seen what happens when a relationship falls through, and that understandably scares you. It's fine. Love and affection is supposed to be the soft place to land on when you freefall in your life. To you, it is crucial to make sure that the soft place isn't perched over a bed of spikes. That's fine. And, as for your future, who ever said it had to be written in stone. Herkie, you are so determined and so passionate in everything you do, I know that you could choose a future on whim and rock the shit out of it.
Herkie, just know that, although I'm a crappy friend for being so distant to you, I am always here to listen to your problems, any and all. It could be at 3 AM, and if you wake up with a stomach full of "crazy", just call my cell and I'll be there for you.
Ans if you ever, EVER kill yourself, will bring you back to life and strangle you. If I hear that you've even seriously hardcore contemplated it more than that other time, I will march over to your house, barefoot through a field of glass if I need to, to knock some sense into you. You know that we'd all miss you. I don't know if any of us would feel the same about life ever again.
Well, this was a long ass comment..... The actual writing was excellent, though. You keep getting better and better.
I love you forever, my sister, my friend.
~Kettles
PS: you actually cussed earlier when you said "damn stalkers" (^^)