I am sorry to be harsh, but this story has all the earmarks of someone who has used a thesaurus too much. When writing a short story, remember who your audience is and write for them. Keep the language simple, but feel free to use alternative words when appropriate. You lost me before I got halfway through the story. Also, remember to cut out the words and phrases that are not important to the story. Don't be too discouraged by this review. The more you write, the better you become. KEEP WRITING!
Author's response
Yes yes, In the summary I said it was a school assignment I had to do for the SAT's. A friend of mine wanted to see it, so thats the only reason it was posted.