Bleh. Interesting idea, but the writing could see some improvement.
It doesn't quite seem to 'flow'. Chances are, you're either trying too hard or not enough. I'm inclined to think the latter.
Watch punctuation and vocabulary- try to use some interesting words. Throw in a good adjective or adverb from time to time. Better yet, use them regularly. Modifiers are an author's best friends.
Author's response
Ermmm, thanks?
It's not like I want a perfect story, just something people enjoy reading.
But I will consider what you said anyway.