Review for The Younger Potter Twin

The Younger Potter Twin

(#) fubar 2008-09-11

I have read several of your stories and have to give some hopefully helpful general critics.
There's no doubt that you're really good in creating a logical background of the harry potter universe and are able to create a logical plot based on these developed guidelines.
BUT your stories don't feel in any way involving because of several reasons I think.

1) Instead of using a 3rd person view
what somebody does a lot of times
you should tell it through the actions of
the person.
It just reads like an info dump that way
which doesn't allow the reader to immerse
into the story.
2) Probably related to 1)
Your characters are mostly flat as the
stories are too clinical and patronizing.
There's no real emotion/drama involved
because of 1)
You create these through actions by the
the characters and not by telling what
the characters did do.
3) Your action scenes lack any real
depth. JBern(though mostly 1st person)
and the Stranger Triology by
serpent_sorcerer are probably the
reference here.
4) I know we're here on the smut harry potter
portal but all these harem relationships
don't really help these stories to immerse
the reader. I can see that harems may
make sense in the harry potter society
from a logical viewpoint.
But a good novel's main purpose
shouldn't be to create some logical
universe but an universe which convinces
the reader.

As you said you're a history professor and
to be blunt, your stories match exactly the
style you would expect for history books.
But that just doesn't make a good novel which captures the attention of the reader.

Please don't take this badly as you're really
good in the society detail aspects of your
stories but i feel you waste your potential
with your current style to really write a great novel.