Hey. Don't feel bad that some people didn't like it. :D Just keep tryin'.
Try spacing out your paragraphs and using comma's in your sentences so they're not drawn out. Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest changes.
Good luck!
Author's response
Thanks it means a lot that someone read my story and cared enough to give advice. And no I WILL NOT GIVE UP! You can bet your lollipops and gumdrops that