The idea of the story is good, I'm kind of interested, but it has not grabbed at me yet.
You really need to work on the formating of the story, and PROOFREAD. Those are very importent in writing a story, the reader tends to scan over the format before actually reading. Poor format scares away reviewers, or asking from flames.
Find a beta that can give you the proper format. Also consider saving and uploading the text as a html doc.