Sigh. Self-indulgence never pays... well hardly ever.
This was an interesting idea, spoiled by
1. Overindulgence in snide comments. I've seen this sort of thing done well, _Dead Like Me_ did it very well and _Pushing Daisies_ (by the same creator) somewhat less well.
2. Neither Harry, Ron, nor Dumbledore speaks with the "voice" that they had in the books. Jeran needs to study the word choice and sentence structure used by the different characters in Rowlings' books.