I think you did a great job with the "redo" on this one. I liked all the additions and changes you made.
xD
Author's response
Thanks! I'm really glad you liked them. Again, thank you for the help you gave me last time. I even asked people on the forum and only one person got back to me yet didn't really 'help' me they just said they really like it (not much good if you're struggling like I was).
But your original re-do on my paragraph really inspired me and showed me how I could have made it flow better and be more expressive with my OWN stuff. And doing my own thing is a lot more rewarding than just copy and pasting someone else’s work; even if it was brilliantly written!!
I'll go review one of your stories now, cos you reviewed mine (it's apparently very good Karma to return favours) :)
xxxLeah