Review for Duplicamagus : The life story

Duplicamagus : The life story

(#) Hatecrew 2009-02-14

hi there,

sry i cant get farther than your prologue mostly because i find it rather hard to get into your writing style ...

i will try again later but want to state something about it first before i forget it

imo you repeat the word 'master' to often in the prologue... also stating hes unique and one of a kind is a repetition that just seems arkward to me... you seem to lack experience in writing stories ... which isnt bad, everybody starts somewhere but you should try to deversify your language without repeating the same idea again in the same sentence ...

another thing that really bugged me is this sentence 'Even my life is worthy of his happiness', imo you want to state that her life is less important to her than his happiness. but the sentence states that her life has the right to have his happiness in it, which is obviously something quite different.

all in all the story would be alot better without your repetitions in the same sentence and if you would use different words if you have to repeat ... eg. you write its an excerpt from hermiones diary ... and its obviously introducing her view of her master, so you dont need to write it again after stating its from her diary ;) ...

i dont mean to flame your writing with this review but hope to help improve it ;) practice makes perfect after all and constructive reviews helps too ;)

so long

Author's response

i know, that's why i requested a beta so i could improve. i know i am a beginner and i need a lot of practice to be satisfied by my writings. English is not my first language so it was quite difficult, but i'm trying. thank you.

I will update this chapter at later date after few changes and hopefully improvements.