Let's see... If you could break it up into paragraphs, that would add a lot to the reading. Makes it look much more professional, as well.
Didn't have too many complaints with punctuation - slightly distracting, bit considerably better than some of the garbage I've seen before. With some of the material on here, you'd swear it was written by illiterates.
Um, the first sentence was also distracting - too much detail (I have that problem, too) - but the rest came out pretty smoothly.
Out of ten, I'd give you a six-point-seven-five.