Excellent job! H/G is my first choice of ship, and I don't mean Ginny (although she is a very close second). You have given this a very good start, and I would very much like to see more of this story.
In particular, I loved the way Mr Delacour sheilded Harry by claiming the kills, since he had diplomatic immunity.
I would imagine that, given the way the French paper covered the situation, that the French Government will be fair about giving Sirius a new trial, especially since Joseph saw Pettigrew personally. And Lupin could follow, since France is obviously not as harsh on 'creatures'. And you've made it seem that Joseph is the head French Unspeakable, so Harry could get trained as well, although your Harry seems to have a pretty good handle on the combat thing already.
I might suggest that you expand your scenes a bit. Since you compared yourself to him and his story, Hope( a personal favorite of mine as well), I'll use Jeconais as an example. Scenes that he might have spent 4-5,000 words on, you blurred through in 4-500. As an example, Harry's last day at Hogwarts, with all his anger at the ministry, despair for Sirius when the Ministry denies that Pettigrew was there, frustration with Dumbasadoor, and frantic worry over Gabrielle, as she needs to spend time with him to survive, is all handled... in three sentences that mention none of the above issues. Slow down and give more details. Give us the feelings of the people involved, not just their actions. Detail is your friend.
And don't denigrate yourself for not being up to Jeconais' level. You're not at Asimov's or Heinlein's level, either. Jeconais is a master who has published as many or more words in the Harry Potter universe than JKR herself, and to a far higher standard.
You have very good ideas, and you can spin a very nice plot. Your story flowed very nicely from scene to scene. You just need to get some practice with setting the scene, and ambiance.
Once again, I really liked your story, and am looking forward to reading much more of it.
Max
Author's response
Thank you for your kind words.
Several reviewers have mentioned I need to flesh out the scenes more but it won't be in this fic as it is done and in the can.
I promised myself no posting or changing a story once it is done after I re-wrote myself in to a bind on Motorcycle. (Still haven't found a way out of it, but I haven't given up trying.)
Thank you for your kind words.
Several reviewers have mentioned I need to flesh out the scenes more but it won't be in this fic as it is done and in the can.
I promised myself no posting or changing a story once it is done after I re-wrote myself in to a bind on Motorcycle. (Still haven't found a way out of it, but I haven't given up trying.)