This story is good, really good.
Wouldn't have thought so but seriously,
I am astounded: It is in character and you still made the pairing work. I can so see them like that. And it's nice that you don't specify who tops whom. Because I can see both as Top and also Bottom.
I like it that you brought the "Hiruma doesn't care for the money" thing into this story because most people/authors seem to forget that Hiruma said to Kurita in chapter 248 that it's not realy about the money but about the winning. So a big + for that.
Also that you have Hiruma help the other ex-teammmbers is quite in character as you can see that he helps in his quite twisted way in the manga (not quite so good in the anime as the action was most often shifted/changed so that Sena did all the help, and didn't that almost got me killing my computer or what? Seriuosly, the manga was already quite focused on Sena but the anime is freaking ridiculous.) so that is again another +.
The next thing I found intersting is that the Kurita/Musashi/Hiruma trio seems to be broken up in your story which I think is quite nice as I can't really see them staying together after the christmas bowl/3rd year of high school as their interests and futures lie in diferent worlds if you take out Amefuto. That Hiruma still got contact with them through whatever means necessary is quite understandable as they do play a big part in his most important youthtime (no idea how to say it otherwise, being not english sometimes sucks big time). So that is also a + at least from me it is for you^^
That means at least +++ but as there are so many more points I could write about but my fingers are hurting now I'll stop.... for now (be warned, I'll write again, maybe, when I read it again^^) So we have like ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ etc going on^^
Anyway, thanks for that story and I really, really, REALLY hope that you write more Eyeshield 21 (focus on Hirums with any pairing as long as it is well written and not boring like most Hiurma/Mamori pairings are) as that would be awesome to the MAX xD
Jenny