Don't use asides to the reader (anyway, back to the story). It detracts from your narrative. You need to find a beta--that is, a proofreader. Poor grammar makes a story very difficult and often uncomfortable to read; however, your content is very good.
I went and read the other "Tony Stark" story and I have to say I like this one better...so far.
Author's response
i dont have anyone to help me, so i did the best i can. thank you for your help