First: I love TorD and played often from 9-20 with fun/mixed results. I love the idea of this story and I find it very hard to imagine any Harry relationship that does not include a very intimate Hermione.
Second: I agree with some of the other reviewers. You got better in the second chapter but you need to pick a view (i.e. first person, second person, third person, etc) and stick to it as much as possible. The thoughts interspersed are fun and do add to the story, but too much jumping around feels disjointed. Maybe try writing one chapter at a time, from each persons point of view?
Third:
I suggest hpfanficarchive.net as an alternative posting site especially if you might get nc-17 at some point.
Fourth:
The reason I suggest an alternative site. FICWAD.COM Domain is up for renewal on the 5th of March 2010. That is 13 days from this review; looks like dreamhost might give a 2 week grace period but there has been NO response from the site admin/owner in years and I am rather scared ficwad.com is going away in a month.
Keep it up, I will read it. You may be a bit disjointed but so far you are still better than some hack-writers and your spelling and grammar are not lacking. I know my first fic was "off" for the first several chapters but I got better; you will too.
More More More please, even if its somewhere else on the internetwebs.
GML