Review for JEDI POTTER


(#) an0n07 2010-04-19

Life is life, it comes at you fast. Hopefully the heat problem isn't as serious as it possibly could be, because asthma isn't really that big of a deal now a days. Now for an actual useful critique. Your story has been fairly creative so far. I would spend some time watching your grammar, and tenses. Also you use some weird words in odd places. If you are going to use a word that you don't use in your every day speech patterns I highly suggest looking it up in a thesaurus because a lot of times there are implications with words, and you missed some of them in your last chapter. Keep it up!

Author's response

Having been in combat, I am more than familiar with the hectic pace of life. While CHF is treatable, and Asthma, no less so, the combination does require some careful treatment. Currently in this state, there is an asthma alert due to the excess pollen being released.

'Useful Critique':

Please be more specific as to such errors. I read the entire chapter again and found less than a dozen minor spelling and punctuation errors, one repeated word and only one word that is not normally used in current American English.

“At 11:27 AM, on September the first of this year, I died as a result of continual beatings at the hands of my uncle…” I put that in on purpose.

"...fomenting a relationship": I used the definition in Webster's English Dictionary: 'to promote the growth or development of...'

"Andromeda was shocked and rather fuddled by Harry’s quick explanation, factual, and utterly useless explanation." There I screwed up. I used the word 'explanation' twice. It should have read: "Andromeda was shocked and rather fuddled by Harry's quick, factual and utterly useless explanation."

My bad.

I do hope you will continue to read.