I like how it's disjointed. The thought processes are a little messy, and his story's a little out of whack. I really liked how you included the consideration of the mundane, like borrowing Ray's pen and cleaning up puke, and then made him backtrack so he was wondering why on earth he was thinking about those things in the first place. Having been suicidal once or twice, I can understand where he's coming from, and it makes the whole story about ten times better.
Commendable job. (: Also, the formatting is interesting (off-topic XD)
-Allie