Cerindipity and brawlingjohn,
So smug in your superiority. You two produce nothing on this site, you log on, paying nothing for the privilege, yet you whine when someone who is trying to write a story doesn't meet your high standards. At least he's trying to contribute something other than vitriol. He had the courage to write something, and to put it up here for you to sneer at. You two either can't write yourselves, or you are too cowardly to put your own work up for review. Grow up, and grow a pair.
Oh, and dyslexia and Aspergers are often found together. I know. My son has both. So he can be excused for misspelling Aspergers. You cannot.
Now, having said that, weigancw, I will grant that your story does need a fair amount of work. You do have an interesting premise, and even a few rare elements in a fairly cliched story type. Your core is OK, what needs work is how you tell it.
Much less sex. Unless you are just writing PWP, too much sex gets in the way of the story.
Much more dialogue. Take the time to stop for conversations. Most of us readers would rather read overly descriptive dialogue and excessive descriptions, than too little. It makes your story feel like Cliff's Notes. And don't just restrict it to the harem members. Dialogue with everyone, including internal dialogue (thoughts).
(I know it is hard to read your own work objectively, so try this. Read this fic : http://www.ficwad.com/story/125924 . It is called Parsel by stargatesg1fan1. It is a great concept, and a cool story. It just reads like it's on fast forward. And it has the same kind of feel that yours does.)
Get a beta reader or three. I understand the weird spelling and stuff. As I said, I have a son who does the same thing. But you can get a beta reader who can catch the things you can't see.
A good beta can also help guide your thoughts on the story, and can help you bring the story in your head out onto paper.
As I said before, you have a good story idea. But if you want to make it better, try some of the things I've suggested.
I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with this.
Maxtaf