Like what people have already said, you do need proper formatting. It's not only a mistake to put all the story in one paragraph, but it's difficult to read or even skim through. It makes the story seem more like a textbook - too difficult to read to bother caring about the Civil War/Chomosome 241/Gobbledy-gook.
Otherwise, pay very close attention to your character - it seems like she's not really planned out as carefully as she might have been. Otherwise, just edit it and it could become something really great. :) Never stop writing, and never stop trying to get better at it.