language and structure is often sacrificed for content in fanfic...it really is fantasy, the fantasy of fans, of what if and what might have been. and while there is nothing wrong with this (for all of us need a place to tell our stories, however imperfect they may be), it is a balm to have someone use language so subtly, so skillfuly that the story is told, not with the actual words, but with the spaces between the words. The brief bit of poetry that you've done (for i consider it so) is tight, well-focused and rouses a reader's tender sympathy with almost a butterfly touch.