For all that Fruity's tone may be uncalled for, there are some places where this 'fic could be improved: .'s and ,'s go inside a " and ;'s and :'s go outside.
If the protagonist doesn't want to be looked at, then why is she trying out for a band? How does she plan to cope?
"Farest" should be either "furthest" or "farthest."
There are a lot of common mistakes in here. Here's an example:
The word "that" is used for things. "Who" is used for people. The protagonist has a younger brother "who" can't manage to hide his porn.
Lots of people say "that" instead of "who" all the time. It doesn't get in the way of the story. Some authors put in grammar mistakes like this in an attempt to make dialogue or character voice more realistic, and it does seem as though your protagonist would speak this way, but it doesn't look like you did it deliberately.
This is a so-so first chapter. It sets up the situation and touches on a few quasi-philo questions, but it doesn't really show me why I should care about Sheena and her band attempts.
Author's response
First of all, thanks for reading my story. It´s probably not really the kind of stuff that you care about. Thanks for giving it a try anyways.
Thanks for the info on the punctuation. As I said before, English is not my mother tongue and the way I put it here is the way it´s done in German. Of course, I want to improve my English (this is one of the main reasons why I´m posting here) so I will try to use correct punctuation from now on.
If you read the chapter "Hello, welcome to the show" you will find out how Sheena copes with being in a band and being looked at on stage.
Ok, my bad in the vocab section there. Thanks again.
I have to disagree with you there: "that" can also be used for people, it´s "which" which can only be used for things. However, there are instances when "that" cannot be used for people and this sentence might just be one of those. Yet, in general "that" is not exclusively used for referring to things.
No, the grammar mistakes have not been made deliberately, my English is actually that bad. ;) But I really want to improve.
Point taken. In fact, I find Sheena pretty boring myself.