What I’ve read so far is pretty well written, and the erotic content is very well delivered. I generally tune off anything as soon as the words “veela bond” show up simply because I’m sick of that plot device, but the quality of the scenario in general more than made up for it. Also, I don’t know if this was a conscious correction on your part or you just simply getting comfortable with the narrative, but I noticed that the rather… sesquipedalian prose from the very beginning (“acknowledged the return of his arousal having inadvertently reminisced (…) fantasized about sex almost conceptually, his mind a flurry of amorphous and interchangeable experiences (…)”) stops after the first few chapters and gives way to a much more natural-flowing narrative. Definitely an improvement.
Bonus points for keeping characterization consistent with canon, or at least as consistent as is possible given the subject matter. One of the main points of reading fanfiction is reading about characters you like doing things they didn’t get to do in the actual works, so it usually bothers me when stories disregard characterization altogether. And to cut Harry some slack, he seemed comfortable enough flirting with Ginny after they got together. It's unfair to judge his performance when the only other girl he dated had a habit of breaking into tears at the merest thing.
Author's response
Actually I feel the same, I have no desire to read any more Veela bond stories, but I was greatly inspired to put my own twist on it.
As far as the prose goes, many of my favorite books are so called "classics", and that kind of language tends to seep in. I think it was more a matter of getting more comfortable with the way Harry speaks, and since this is 3rd person limited, the prose I think should reflect Harry's way of thinking as opposed to my own, and as I wrote Harry's dialog more and more it started to reflect on the non-internal prose. I can't promise it wont crop up from time to time, but more as my own little literary masturbation.
Also, 'sesquipedalian' that's one hell of word, you get 6 points.
Your description of why you read fanfiction is spot on with my reasoning, couldn't have said it better myself actually.
As far as Harry's ease with Ginny, I've always thought that was more a reflection of her than Harry. That she makes it easy for Harry to flirt with her general openness and non-girly-ness. I know a lot of guys who go for tom-boys for just that very reason, and it's always how I've justified Harry's attraction to her in the books among other things.