~~~He suffered through watching his fiance, Sarah,~~~ Most of us already know that Michael's fiancee' died in a car accident, but if you say her name, it implies that she's going to be important to the story later on.
The tenses could use some work. Since we have someone who's already in the past tense looking further into the past -- Erika is thinking about Marcus and Viktor -- it's "what Marcus had thought," "what Viktor had believed."
I think it will be a relief to read a story about Erika with a brain. Until I saw the extended cut I figured her for a non-warrior foil for Selene, a capable politician.