I like it so far, but you'll need to do some major grammar work. The piece in general could do with a bit of editing and clarifying, but I got what you were trying to get across. You describe the scenes very well, but again, you need to fix the grammar up a bit to make your expositon more clear, and thusly more moving, spine-tingling, awe-inspiring, etc. Definately keep it up! I'll be looking for more of this in the future!
-Mad