It's really good, but just a few things. Ok this is probably gonna come off really bitchy and I hope to god it doesn't. I promise this was NOT meant to sounds mean at all.
*Spaces after periods, commas, etc.
*When someone talks, enter (if that makes any sense) it'll look something like this:
"Hi" I said.
"Hi" They said.
*Capitalize names
*Don't use so many run on sentences (ok that sounded really bitchy but I promise it wasn't meant to some off that way) put periods, commas, hyphens, etc.
*It's ok to cuss on here, everyone else does.
Other than that it was great! Update soon, yeah? :)
Author's response
thank you that was really helpful and youre totally right it was just i was in a hurry so yeah thanks! great advice :D