Hey. Okay so, here's the thing:
I created an account for ficwad just now even though I basically swore I wouldn't, /ever/. But I created one because I've had this open in my tabs for days (because I couldn't track it) wanting more, and because I wanted to comment.
I got here via a recc, did you know this had been recced? Can't remember whose list it was though, sorry.
Anyway, I've been thinking about this story a lot. It is extremely interesting to me. I'm not entirely sure why, but I can't stop thinking about it.
It needs a bit of work, that's true. There are some things about it - the very British flavour, for example - which are very strange (but can actually work in your favour if you push them the right way) but other things just need construction. Really that's unimportant though, because I love this story.
The character construction and world building is excellent (with a few weaknesses here and there) and your plot is intriguing. The italic sections: the poetic kind flow of Gerard's thoughts are just... I love them.
My suggestion is this: get a beta and work in Google Docs with them. Paste the whole thing in there and re read it yourself and edit as you go and then invite them in. After you've done that, dot point the things that spring to mind about what you want to do next.
Then just write. If you get a chapter, post it. If you get more than that, post one chapter and then keep going. (It's always good to be ahead of posting.) Don't re-read and think that it all needs rewriting, because what's there is there now. Just finish up however you want to and then rewrite it. Rewrite it with a beta and if you want to pull it all down and repost whole, then go for it.
Honestly. Anyway um, I know this is a long comment but the gist is: this is great, don't stop writing and to suggest you get someone to help.
...as a final note, I'm willing to offer help as a beta. I can't help with characterisation because I'm new to the fandom but I've been in/written for fandom for seven years and beta'd for six so I'm okayish at it. If you're interested, send me a message/reply and I'll email. Obviously if you want to stick with someone you know that totally makes sense too. (But sometimes it's nice having someone you don't know!)
Author's response
Thank you very much for taking the time to review, I really appreciate it.
In response to your Beta offer- that would be brilliant! I can't email you though, 'cause, um, I don't have your email :L You seem to have intelligent and constructive suggestions for improvement, and the kind of person that would be great to Beta my work- someone who was too afraid to tell me when I'm doing something wrong wouldn't work, but you don't seem like that at all, which is great.
So yes...would it be okay if you could give me your email so as we could talk about the story? Or alternatively email me: cosmiczombie@hotmail.co.uk
I'd love you to Beta this story.
Thanks very much again, I really appreciated what you said- thanks for taking the time to review!