I don't really know how to express my appreciation for this story properly but I thought you should know that I admire your writing skills immensely. The metaphors you've created set the atmosphere of the scenes so well, especially with the lovely description word choices you've made. Another thing I enjoy about your writing are the characters and how you've characterized and developed each person so drastically different, it's wonderful.
You should really be proud of your work, it's truly astonishing.
I find it's best to finish something all the way through before going back and editing. Otherwise you'll go and find a never ending list of things you want to change and you'll never move on to finish the story properly. So just keep going with what you've got and then revise it all. Or at least I think that's what you should do, but you don't have to listen to me because I don't even write so what do I know? :P
I will be waiting anxiously for the next instalment. I hope it comes easy and you enjoy writing it.
Cheers!
~Gabe.XX~