(#) DnG 2012-11-30
Again, to follow up my review from chapter one, you are mixing universes here and need to introduce the characters to us. I am oblivious to the Buffy universe. In other words, I don't know shit about that world. Now, that being said, take some time to introduce the readers to your characters.
The action can still happen, but the readers need to meet and greet the participants in your little gathering here. What does Zander look like? Who's Faith? What about Cordelia? I know who Hermione is, as this is a Harry Potter story, but no clue who the others are.
You need to understand that when you are mixing two different worlds, at least half of your reader base will be oblivious to one or the other worlds. Take some time to put them all on the same playing field so that we can get to know them.
Other than that, keep improving your skills as you have potential. You have a great idea here, but its not a race to write it out and post it. Try rereading what you have written so far and expand on what you have written. Take some time to introduce us to the players. Like the three people in the first chapter who come speeding down Privett Drive. What kind of vehicle were they driving, that sort of stuff.
I got the impression that one of the people was a Potter, but beyond that, not a clue.
Hope this helps and I look forward to seeing what you do with the next chapter.
Author's response
I've revamped the first chapter and will work on the second tonight. With descriptions of the characters and how they fit in to the story. But come on, I thought you watched 'Buffy' with the rest of us in the mid 90s?