What happened during the flying lesson? Obviosly not what happened in canon so you should tell us what happened. When did Harry meet the twins and how did that meeting go?
Molly doesn't send sweaters to everyone of her sons friends so why did she send Harry one? In canon it was because Harry was Ron's best friend and he'd told her Harry wasn't expecting to get any presents. Why did she in your story?
Harry could not have copied even a very thin book in 4 hours. Look a very good typist might manage to type 100 words a minute so lets assume an excelent scribe could manage 25 words per minute (that would mean there's some magic involved so the quill doesn't need sharpening or need to be refilled with ink, or the ink dried etc.. but that's quite plausabile for the HP universe) at that rate the scribe might manage to copy 6000 words in four hours except of course that that speed was for taking dictation, not copying which is much slower even when there aren't any words you don't know involved. For refrence a novela is considered a story of 50-100 thousand words and most novels published today are in the 120-180,000 word range. It would take Harry even writing at 100 words per minute several days of doing nothing but copying to copy the entire book.
Finally are deliberatly making your Harry appear rude and arrogent enough to rival Malfoy? Why should Ron ask Harry's PERMISSION to write home about who he hangs out with.
Do everyone a favor, get a beta reader to help you rewrite this story and any others you come up with. You clearly can write and many of your scenes are excelent with the rest still well writen even if the impresion gathered from them might not be what you were aiming at and the idea of an inteligent somewhat bookish Harry has the potential of a great story. You however fail totaly to conect your scenes in a way which takes advantage of that.
Author\'s Response: Yeah, I realize that the copy the book thing was unrealistic, but I didn't want Harry to go back to the library every night for a week, so he did it in 4 hours (it is not a novel, more like an instruction manuel to the mind magics). The flying lesson was rather uneventful. He saved Neville; that's it. Molly sent him a sweater because Ron believes he and Harry are closer than they actually are. He does not need Harry's permission to write home, rather he should need it to hang out with Harry, and Harry does not want to give it. I'm not trying to make Harry into a bookish nerd type of person; he is just rather gifted and intrigued with magic, and has a lot of free time in which to read. And yes, my Harry is a good deal more arrogent that the canon one.