Ok, the idea of the story is pretty good. I think it is moving along pretty fast though. Also the grammer of the story makes it hard to read, for me at least. Also with the last chapter, this story is no longer a PG-13 story. I think you need to up it to at least an R rating if not a NC-17.
Author's response
I did not rate this tory very well. You were riht of cause. I corrected the rating.