This is.. pretty good. If you want to strengthen your horror-writing skills, you should read some of Stephen King's stuff, and something called 'The Child Thief' by Brom. Shit, it's so good. My friend Tara recommended it.
I'd read up on suspense, too. Suspense is a key part of horror, you gotta have your readers fuckin' hanging off a cliff by their fingernails, and so far, this isn't very... suspenseful. 'And then she woke up.'
Unless you're trying for more comedic writing, I wouldn't start a sentence with 'and'.
I know I'm being a bit tough, but kiddo, I'm trying to help. Constructive criticism, however 'cruel' it may seem, is just trying to help you improve as a writer. I had a whole class laugh at a piece I wrote once, and now I have band members reading my lyrics, and a great author called my mind 'brilliant and strange'.
Keep the faith,
xoclaire
Author's response
Did you just say... BAND MEMBERS READING YOUR LYRICS?!?!
You are like, so lucky.
I am going to improve on it, I promise. I plan to make this story pretty well known.
Thanks, Claire, for the advice.
xo Sadie