Okay, I have to admit I read the story yesterday, and since by the time I got done it was 6.30 in the morning (7.30 actually, because of the daylights saving thing that went into effect here that night) I'm not going to be as detailed as normal.
First of, you've got a good writing style. Tempo and rythm are spot on.
I also like the story concept you've put up. I always enjoy an independent Harry thing, and an Out of Focus character as a love intrest is also good.
Now, for some constructive critisism.
Now, almost 20 hours later, there's actually only two things stuck in my memory. First was the original spell incantation you used. For me, it severly shattered the suspension of disbelief at times. My opinion? put just a little more effort into them.
Second was that Susan at times seemed to get over the deaths of her Mother and Aunt just a tad to quickly, but you can easily put that one down to creative differences.
Hope to see another chapter soon. I am now going to see if I can figure out if there's such a thing as story alert (as I just found this site (via DLP, actually).
Good luck
Traveller
Author\'s Response: Thanks for the review. I am working on my version of Susan. Read the thread on DLP for more details and my chapter summary. What's wrong with Pyrus Impactus? I think this site has story alerts.Wow stayed up all night and read in one sitting! I thought I was the only person who did that!Jim