Well, I read your whole story, and from the first chapter it seemed interesting enough, and the plot line didnt seem bad. The chapters were a little short, but other wise. It seemed like a good start, but then from there it seemed to go slightly down hill. The good story line is still there, but you need to work on writing it a little better. Np aim lingo or any of that and use Paranethese. "Like this" Im not putting you or your story down, cause I belive its a good story, just giving you a little constructive critisism. So you can improove and make your story even better! ^_^
Try making the chapters longer and make it neater. Other wise, good story in the making. I like it...
Author's response
yea thanks!!
like i wrote this story a while ago.
i decided to post all of my stories that i found in my computer.
il try to continue it, its just i have sooo many that i kinda leave off and then start and then start again.
but thanks for the review!!!