Hmmm. I think you'd have a stronger story here if you ditched the lyrics and used your own words. The premise could be compelling, but trying to fit song lyrics into dialogue is almost always awkward -- especially when you're dealing with an artist like the Smiths, where a lot of the lyrics are intended to be ironic, and I don't think you mean for Nooj's dialogue to be humorous (right?). Take songs as starting points for inspiration, but go with your own phrasing -- you'll get better stories that way. ^^
Author's response
Actually, the Smiths did not inspire this story. What inspired it was the Neuroticfish cover. Since I don't often listen to the Smiths, I have no idea what their lyrics were intended to be. But, with Neuroticfish, he always had a tendancy of using sad lyrics with synthpop, so I was going by that.
As far as I'm concerned, I've already used my own phrasing/words as it is. This is a songfic, regardless of format, so I have no intention of changing anything, except for technical mistakes. Thanks anyway.