Cool perspective. The sentence fragments work here; normally that's one of my pet peeves.
In a couple of places you have homophones -- "fore boarding," which should probably be "foreboding" and "minuet" seems like you meant "minute." Spell check won't catch that stuff.
This is a good idea, and I enjoyed the story.
Author's response
Thank you for catching those mistakes :]
I never got this fanfic edited by somebody specifically because, as you said, all the sentence fragments and overall murder of grammatical structure makes me cringe, but worked for the story. (Although I regret not having it edited afterall)
I am glad you enjoyed it.