You have a good idea for a story. You actually execute it rather well. However, I would suggest writing in the past tense. When a story reads like script, it can be off putting and a little hard to follow. Ex: Instead of:
...the boy lies on the bed...
use:
...the boy lay on the bed....
It reads smoother. Look at your favorite published novel or short story and read that.
Please keep writing though. I enjoyed your story.
Danny