Review for Coronary Duties

Coronary Duties

(#) BFCIV 2007-01-22

This story is great so far. Read Ch. 1 and you did a great job explaining our central character, Vort. But try spacing your dialog. It helps the reader get less confused about who is speaking. Regardless I was able to follow your words pretty well. Just a few suggestions for your first chapter. Things happened a little too fast for me. Vort's obviously at a burial place recovering a body. Then he goes to the morgue, then takes a shower somewhere. That is where I got confused. Was he at home or was there a shower at the FBI building he was at. Then he suddenly shows up to pick up his date. You have a definite structure going on here, but I think your story could flow more smoothly if you didn't so quickly move into other parts. I was really getting into the character Vort and his job as a coroner. But it seemed a bit disjointed when you suddenly started speaking about his date and such. And also, try and separate sections of your chapter. That would really help out. But all this aside, I'm enjoying this story. Keep it up. I'll try and read CH. 2 soon.

Author's response

Thank you... sorry yes it kinda jumped. Yes he was at work when he was showering and I kinda just leapt in all excited to get Archie sort of on paper. The spacing thing I really need to work on with it. Thank you for the comments and the feedback!