"Illiterate" is a bit severe of a rating for this story. It could use some work, but I've seen far worse.
1. It would be easier to read if you used some paragraph breaks. If you find that ficwad eats them, then go into "edit story" and put them in by hand. On a story this short, it should work.
2. This is very bare-bones. That tends to work only for very simple stories, the kind with a twist at the end. Since you do have a twist, you should play it up a bit more. Change a few of the earlier lines to build some foreshadowing. Why does the guy take the girl home? Why does he think she loves him? Drop a few hints that she's a vampire/ghoul/humaneatiething, but don't be too obvious. Ideally, the readers should think, "Oh WOW! All the clues were there but I didn't figure it out until the end!"
3. "Overjoyed" is one word. They "lay" in bed.
Author's response
thanks for the advice. i'll take it into cosideration