In some places, your grammar seems to be off--for instance, an ellipse normally only has three dots in it, and you're missing a few commas. However, since this story's about two years old, I doubt you're up for editing it at all. ^.^; In any case, if I had any rating points, this would so have earned an Ambiance--it's the pictures you make with your words that make this little vignette.
Author's response
I always welcome concrit so please feel free to be specific with suggestions ^_^ I can be reached at hawklion at hotmail dot com :) I'm glad you enjoyed the pictures I tried to paint with my words :D