The rigours of training to become a warrior monk are interesting. I like the idea of why they fast - to honour summoners and also to practice what they will experience as traveling warriors.
I find it difficult to believe that Kinoc and Auron really do share a friendship of any sort given the contempt they seem to have for each other.
The idea that the monks are obssessiv enough to count the apples in the orchard makes me laugh andf seems in character with the way you are writing their order.
I am interested in the way you write about tempers growing short from this so called holy fast. It seems to produce nothing but violent impulses in its adherents.
I find it apt that Auron's advice isn't appreciate by Kinoc in his mood.
I also have a feeling that Auron's whimsical gesture of tossing the apple into the boot is going to be VERY ill received. I find this action of his wuite random. Would HE want to eat an apple that has been in his boot? It is a bit mystifying to me. I guess it's just more evidence that the two are really not friends at all they're just sort of stuck together.
You have written Kinoc as someone with a lot of motivation to become a villain. He isn't entirely a sympathetic one either though - he gets put in the position he is on out of laziness and it's laziness that makes him despise his role in the monks as well. I suppose he is human because of it. I guess I wouldn't want to have to fast for three days and learn weapons training either.
I like the idea that hypello would use boomerangs.
I like the idea that Auron is a little uncertain and awkward as an adolescent.
Nitpicking:
"Five days of intaking nothing save meager portions of a harsh and sour cleansing tea that made him retch every with every swallow." Omit "every" just after "retch."
"Kinoc wasn't exceptionally skilled or particularly interested in much of anything, other than a distant and dim hope of a successful life. Therefore, his mother had decided the only fitting career for her aimless son was to become Maester." Add "a" before "Maester."
"Auron went low, putting force into the force into the swing, striking with the flat edge." You repeat "force into the."
"This was not how monks behave." Replace "behave" with "behaved."
"However, once one is half starved out of their body and completely worked out of their soul, even the privileged son of a Maester could slumber soundly upon such shoddy accommodations." Replace "one" with people, or else replace "their" in every instance with "he" or "one."
"Auron believed Kinoc could serve the temple and Yevon well, but that wouldn't happen Kinoc were to give up on his studies and leave the monastery." Add "if" between "happen" and "Kinoc."
"The temple and Yevon suffer with the loss of every single monk." Replace "suffer" with "suffered."
Author's response
Thanks for the nitpicking, as usual!
My Kinoc & Auron do have somewhat of a lop-sided friendship, and it is a bit a case of "default" or being "stuck together". As I noted on my LJ, I rewrote this chapter three times, and one of the earlier drafts had them fostering a more sensitive relationship, but it just didn't seem in character.
Both of them seem a bit cocky as adults to me, and I'm guessing that would be more apparent in their teen years. Maybe I made them a bit too prickly, though. I suppose that is part of the trouble with covering such a wide ground in a relatively small text-space. I'm trying to give Lulu and Auron equal time, and it's tough to do since Auron is older and thus has experienced more.
Apple in the boot: Was an attempt at showing Auron's persistent tactlessness, but I also meant to show that the friendship is important to Auron in the simple act of even giving Kinoc the apple. He wrings his hands over his options and actually has to rationalize it internally until he convinces himself that this tiny act of transgressional kindness is for the good of Yevon.