ok I think I am obessessing on this more than you!! In the paragraph before you write HE struggles...HE dosent care...HE only wants his little bro...(Thats good- everytime you use the words he or his it should be about Gerard) then the next paragraph reads...The medic is trying to save the younger mans life...but HE sudd. stops mvng. HIS screams... (this sound like the main character again- refering to it as HE and HIS). Then the next sentence His older brother stops screaming makes no sense. You shift from G being the main char. to Mikey. The entire story is written in I dont know what the techincal term is its kinda like 3rd person/1st person. I think its called 1st person abstract but Im not sure.. Its where the whole story is told from HIS POV but written in 3rd person so you say his instead of mine. Does that make any sense? Anywhere you write he or his must be about the main character. Everyone else you need to write in 3rd person for. ex- the medic is trying to save the boys life rather then his life(cause his would mean Gerard not Mikey) The next sentences should read the same..the boy stops moving...the screams fall silent...He and his should only be used to describe well Gerards actions, he is the main charac. right? For everyone else use 3rd person words. It will make it alot smoother to read. Plus this is like the most crucial part of the story where his brother dies so it kinda brings the whole story down.
You dont have to change anything if you dont want to. Sorry if Im being way too obsessive about this. I'll leave you alone now!=)
Author's response
You're helping me a ton. It's called third-person limited p.o.v. I don't have time to fix anything now because I'm going to Canada, but I promise to work on it while I'm gone and to try and fix it when I get back. I am not going to quit until it works!