Review for To Define Fate's Neglected Victims

To Define Fate's Neglected Victims

(#) IWCT 2006-06-18

Wow, that was amazing -- especially since at the beginning I was wincing at the lack of complete sentences, and by the end I was convinced that this pair was cannon, and the story perfect.

Anyway, my biggest suggestion is mainly don't depend on the broken sentence stream-of-conciousness style to help create mood and ambience. It's great in small doses (REALLY effective when it came to the Earthquake matching up), but with the entire first half of the story written that way it's just harder to read, and more annoying. There's no conherent flow to the story, which you really need, especially in battle scenes. Time outs to look at the pokedex break up the action as it is, without fractured sentencing (although, to be fair, you had pretty much ditched that style by the time the battle started).

Other than that, everything is wonderful. I love your dialogue. The banter was cute and fun, and the ending was just worth everything. Misty is such a devious little girl, isn't she? Poor Bredan, he probably doesn't know what hit him.

And, even though I hate romance, and I'm pretty dodgy on the anime, I think I will also write a Misty/Brendan one shot, just because you convinced me.

Enjoy getting Brawly and Steven together.

^.^ IWCT (If Walls Could Talk)