Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco

Pain [Ryden]

by -Shiisha- 3 reviews

“But… Brendon… It’s so hard, everything’s so hard. I feel like things are never going to get better, that I’m always going to feel so hurt and broken. I wish someone would just pick up ...

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG - Genres: Angst - Published: 2008-06-22 - Updated: 2008-06-23 - 1428 words - Complete

“You’re sick of feeling numb and I can tell you that you’re not the only one…”

Brendon whispered to the older, yet more feminine boy sitting to the left of him. He loved this boy; he loved Ryan with all his heart. He’d turn off the moon and pull the stars from the sky just to see him smile, everything he did, his whole entity, was for him. Ryan looked up at Brendon, his eyes were red from the tears he’d been crying and his face was splotchy; white lines ran from the corners of his eyes and down his cheeks, marking the path where those tears ran.

“But… Brendon… It’s so hard, everything’s so hard. I feel like things are never going to get better, that I’m always going to feel so hurt and broken. I wish someone would just pick up the pieces and glue them back together.”

Brendon choked back the tears forcing their way, urging to be shown. He could feel his own heart slowly breaking; it pained him so much to see Ryan like this. It hurt him even more to know that there was virtually nothing he could do for the boy.

“I know that you’re wounded…”

Ryan sniffed and held his sleeve to his nose. He was on the verge of tears again, he could feel them coming. He didn’t want to burden Brendon with his problems, but he just couldn’t take it anymore. His body was screaming out, it was all just too much.

Brendon felt the tears start running freely down his face. He couldn’t hold back any longer. God knows his tried to stop, but it felt so good to let it out. Ryan must’ve realised that he was on the edge; he slipped his hand into Brendon’s and grasped it tightly. Brendon opened his mouth to speak, but every time he tried he hiccupped and started crying again.

“…Y-you know that I’m here to s-save you…”

Ryan rested his head on Brendon’s shoulder and nodded, sobbing into the crook of his neck. This felt like home. Brendon let go of his hand and pulled Ryan to him, holding him in close embrace. He felt Ryan snake his arms around his waist as he started crying again. Brendon just held him, rocking back and forth soothingly while stroking his hair, like a mother comforting a child after awakening from a nightmare.

“I’m always here for you. This life is filled with hurt and happiness doesn’t work.”

Ryan sobbed and nodded his head, grabbing onto the fabric of Brendon’s shirt and clenching his fists tightly. They stayed close like that for a few moments before Ryan slowly pulled away, wiping his eyes with his sleeves.

“I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all….”

Brendon raised an eyebrow and moved Ryan’s hair out of his eyes. He knew that something was different about him, he never talked like that. Ryan was always the happy cheerful one of the group. Brendon didn’t even know that Ryan could think like this.

“What do you mean by that?”

Ryan sunk back into the couch and tilted his head to the side. He dropped his voice to a gentle whisper like tone before continuing.

“At least I know that if something can make me this sad, hurt me this much. I’ve really lost something special, something special that at one stage made me so incredibly happy. I have to take the good with the bad, because you can’t have one without the other. To feel like this just makes me realise I’m only human, humans aren’t perfect beings and nothing ever goes exactly how we plan it.”

Brendon felt his heart plummet through the walls of his stomach, he knew exactly how to make the girls scream his name, he knew how to make something rhyme with ‘circus tour’, but trying to find the words when his love was hurting, that was something he could never do. He rested his hand on Ryan’s leg and looked him in the eyes,

“Ryan, I sympathize with you. I know how you feel and what you’re going through, it’s going to be tough, but you’ll come through this a better person…”

Before he could even get another word out, Ryan shot up like the couch beneath him had just been lit on fire, turned on heel quickly and glared back at Brendon furiously.

“How can you say that?! You have no idea what the hell I’m going though, everyone loves you, you never get rejected by anyone. This is hell for me and I don’t think I’ll find my way to heaven.”

Brendon was quite taken aback at Ryan’s sudden out lash towards him He’d never done anything like that before, well not towards him at least. He rose off the couch and moved towards Ryan with his hands out in front of him, as if he were warding off an oncoming attack.

As Brendon advanced forward, Ryan began backing up against the door, mistaking Brendon’s hands raised for attack rather than defence, hands behind him searching for the door knob. He didn’t mean to lash out at him and he certainly didn’t want to make Brendon angry at him. He’d only ever done that once when he accidently used his favourite shirt to change the oil in his car, an angry Brendon was not something he really wanted to experience anytime soon.

“Brendon, I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to. You know I didn’t!”

His hands were not searching more frantically while his eyes stayed fixed on Brendon’s face. He felt the wall cold against his back and he realised that he wasn’t getting back any further. Brendon raised an arm and placed his hand on the wall just above Ryan’s right shoulder. He could see him physically shaking now as he towered over his smaller frame.

“People may love me, but the one person that I truly love, doesn’t even know it and will most likely never know it…”

The serious tone of his voice struck Ryan like a tonne of bricks. Brendon feeling like this, the thought had honestly never occurred to him. He always thought that what Brendon wanted, Brendon got. There where no ‘if’s’ or ‘but’s’ about the matter. But he was obviously wrong.

“B-Brendon. I… I never knew that anything like that was happening with you. You never gave any indication that it was. I’m sorry… I didn’t know.”

Ryan looked off to the side, not willing to make eye contact with the other. He knew if he did, he might see maybe just how empty Brendon was inside. How broken and fragile, like glass, he really was.

Brendon hesitated for a moment before pushing off the wall and stumbling back slightly. Ryan turned back to face him, he was faced with a broken man. Only moments ago, he was in the arms of this man, in a loving embrace like no other. Now, the only words he could think of to describe him included, “the empty shell of a shattered man.” He gulped and took a cautious step towards him, only to be stopped mid-step by Brendon holding his hand up.

“No, Ry… I think you should just leave.”

Before he could stop it, a lone tear was born in Ryan’s eye; it lived on his cheek before, oh so gracefully dying on his lips. He watched as Brendon turned his back to him.

“I’d like to have some time alone time, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Ryan sniffed and nodded his head, which was quite fruitless seeing as no one would notice that gesture. He turned slowly and grabbed onto the door knob, turning it until he heard a soft ‘click’ and opened the door.

“I’m sorry for breaking you…”

He took one final glance back at Brendon, he stood there, his shoulders heaving up and down in a rhythmical motion; his sobs were bared audible, but they were definitely there. Shaking his head Ryan stepped out the door onto the stairs outside. He closed the door gently behind him, leaving Brendon alone with only his thoughts and deepest miseries for company.

“Oh don’t worry you didn’t break me. No, sweetie, you completely destroyed me.”
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