Categories > Anime/Manga > D.Gray-man > And Dare Not Speak Love's Name
And Dare Not Speak Love's Name
A Fanfiction By SailorLight22
Chapter One - Taking The Initiative
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Okay here's the first chapter of the sequel, thanks to everyone who's stuck by this til now!
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'Six months...' Lavi mused grumpily, pacing the narrow confines of his room. 'Six months, and still nothing!'/. He sighed, running a hand across his face in weary frustration. 'Maybe...maybe he really can't...'/ He stopped the thought, shuddering. He wouldn't give in to his doubts, not after he'd tried so hard. If Komui needed more time, then Lavi would just have to wait.
'The most he's done is look at me,' He frowned, shaking his head. /'I can't even get him to kiss me anymore!' /Pausing, he sank to the floor, resting his chin on his knees. He didn't want to admit it, but it seemed as if the older man had gradually pulled away, distancing himself. In the last month, the separation had increased, leaving the redhaired boy at a loss.
"God, what's wrong with me?" He whispered, clutching his legs tightly. "I just wanted him to try, but I can't stop myself from /pushing/..." He clenched his jaw, forcing away tears. Standing abruptly, he began to pace again. "I've got to say something. If he really...Wants to end this, I need to know." His heart lurched at the prospect, but he ignored the stab of pain in favor of logic.
"I should go to him now. I know where he is, and Linali already said that he's caught up with his work for once.." He muttered, biting his lip. "That's something new, too. He's been working a lot more than he used to, everyone's noticed." Firming his resolve despite the discomfort in is chest, he strode to the door. Once in the corridor, he struck out in the direction of his tormentor's office, his steps quick as he gathered the last bits of his courage.
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Komui sighed, stretching his arms over his head in an attempt to loosen the aching muscles of his shoulders. Smiling ruefully, he reached for his coffee mug, grimacing at the tepid liquid within. 'All this writing..' He thought, signing his name to the last document and pushing it away. 'At least it's done. Now I can go back to thinking terrible things and hating myself for liking it.'
Unbidden, the image of his would-be lover intruded, and he laughed humorlessly. "I wonder if he knows how disgusting I really am," He muttered, removing his glasses and sinking his head into his hands. "I can't even pretend that he won't be angry with me when he sees what I've been doing all this time.."
Standing, he crossed the surprisingly clean room, his fingers settling reluctantly on the doorknob of a formerly empty office before he forced himself to enter. Once inside, he gave the object within a resigned glance as he began to make the final adjustments to what would surely be his final humiliation. As he worked, his mind wandered back to the young man he so desperately wished to avoid hurting.
'I told him I was willing to try,' He thought, frowning in concentration as he tightened his grip on an errant cable. 'But if I can't stop wanting him, how am I supposed to make this work? All he asked me for was love..' He checked the connection one final time, stepping away to survey his now-finished 'project' with critical eyes.
The machine taunted him with it's sleek metal, it's unassuming lines belying it's terrible purpose. Hearing a muffled knocking, he sighed. Quickly exiting the room, he failed to notice the door slowly reopening behind him as the faulty latch quietly disengaged.
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Hearing the man's approach, Lavi fidgeted nervously. 'It's now or never,' He reminded himself, 'I have to know.' As the door swing open, he carefully schooled his features into a semblance of their normal smile, lifting his eye to meet the gaze of his significant other.
The man's almost haggard appearance was shocking, causing his welcome to die unspoken on his lips. Staring up at the older man in confusion, he noticed the darkened skin beneath his eyes, and the tenseness of his posture. "Komui, what's going on?" He blurted, lifting a hand to the taller man's shoulder. "I know I haven't seen you for a couple days, but damn!" The man blinked at him, surprised by his almost angry tone.
"Nothing, I just had a few long nights." He stepped back, indicating that the youth should enter. Closing the door behind him, the man turned to find his companion still unnervingly close, his face set in worried lines.
Lavi tilted his head slightly, picking up the tired aura that surrounded the scientist with little effort. "You've been avoiding me. What did I do this time?" He demanded, forcing his voice to remain low. Komui narrowed his eyes, shaking his head.
"You didn't do anything, Lavi. I told you, I've been working.." He paused, seeing his hot-tempered guest frown.
"Bullshit." Lavi declared, moving closer. "It isn't just the last several days either. You hardly look at me, and you act like I've got the plague when I try to get close." He spat, clenching his fists. "Tell me what happened. Are you starting to get tired of me, is that it?"
The man gaped stupidly at him for a moment, then sighed. "Don't be absurd. If I wanted to stop seeing you, I'd.."
"Tell me?" Lavi interjected hotly, cutting him off as his voice grew louder. "That's bullshit too. When you do come to me, the only thing you ever say is hello and goodbye. Maybe something about a case. It's pretty safe to say that there's a lot of things that just aren't being said, Komui-/san/." He stressed the honorific, feeling a pang of regret at the older man's surprise at the change of address.
Forcing himself to continue, he leaned closer, invading the man's space. Komui drew back hastily, adding fuel to the smaller one's ire. "See!" He rasped, waving his hands at the older man's retreat. "That's what I mean! If I look at you too closely, you pull away then too!"
He faced away abruptly, his shoulders slumped. "All I wanted was a chance, Komui." He ground out, fighting the urge to scream in frustration. "Just because you agreed to try.. It doesn't mean that you can't still change your mind. And the fact that we spent the first two months groping each other silly doesn't make any difference. If this isn't what you need, then say it. I'm not going to force you to stay, so you shouldn't force yourself."
Komui stared at his back in astonishment. "Lavi," He started, placing a hand on the boy's tightly bunched shoulder, "It's not.." Once again, the boy cut him off, swatting away his hand as he whirled.
"Don't!" He barked, annoyance rising. "Don't you stand there and act like you don't see what's happening! Goddamnit, all I need to know is why, why the hiding, the overworking, and why you can't stand my touch anymore! Why?"
Unnoticed, his voice had risen to a hysterical shout, the echo ringing dully from the walls as he glared at his companion.
Komui cooly measured him with his eyes, forcing himself to look away as his own irritation began to surface. "Stop." He murmured, shaking his head as the boy opened his mouth to retort. "I said STOP!" He finally roared, drowning out the redhead's outraged yell. Seizing him harshly by the shoulders, he jerked him to his body, staring down into his upturned face. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay away? Do you?" He hissed, giving the boy a rough shake.
"Every time I look at you now, I think about what's under those damned clothes! I've seen parts of you, and felt most of the rest, but that isn't what I'm supposed to be thinking about!" He snorted at the Exorcist's wide eyed expression. Leaning down, he paused only inches from the boy's open mouth. "Every time I touch you, all I can do is wonder how it would feel to just let go and give you what you've begged me for, all this time!"
He clenched his hands into the folds of Lavi's casual shirt, laughing quietly. "Do you even know what you say to me, Lavi-/kun/?" He said, returning the other's use of title. "When my hands are on you, or when it's dark and you have your legs wrapped around my ass? Answer me!" He demanded, forcing the increasingly stunned youth to meet his gaze.
"N-No.." He choked, shaking his head. "Not all of it.." He broke off, biting his lip as the older man leaned closer still, his heavy breaths fanning over the other's cheek as he spoke more quietly.
"You tell me not to stop, to let go and do as I wish. I can't tell you how many times I've been ready to come in my fucking pants from hearing you beg me to fuck you!"
Lavi reeled back as if he'd been slapped, his eye wide at the man's unexpected admission. "Komui, I..I didn't mean to..!" He gasped as the man cut him off.
"To what, Lavi? You didn't do anything wrong, I did! I promised to try falling in love, but all I've been doing is pressuring you into something that I swore to avoid!" He relaxed his grip on the boy's shirt, turning his face away from his almost frightened expression. "I can't think of anything but having you! I've been trying to stay away because it's not right of me to continue doing that, using your feelings to satisfy my urges.."
Lavi stiffened, his nails biting into his palms. "You just decided to stop? You started avoiding me because you're /normal/!?" He shook his head in disgust. "Jesus, I knew that you had moments of stupidity, but this is unbelievable! How the hell do you think a relationship progresses? You can't be with someone that you don't want to touch, and you can't pretend that I'm innocent of the same thing!"
Komui made to reply, but he waved his hand dismissively. "Don't. You might deny yourself, but I won't." He met the man's eyes directly, his face defiant. "You say that I ask you to do me? That I beg for it? Well that's just fine." He advanced, backing the suddenly nervous man into the wall. "It's fine because even if I don't remember saying it, I know one thing for sure." He leaned in, his eye narrowed. "I meant every damned word of it!"
Komui shrank back, the first twinges of alarm prickling his skin as the shorter boy followed even that slight movement. "Do you know what it feels like, 'Mui? Do you have the slightest idea what I think about it? I love you, but it doesn't stop me from wanting you. The last time we were 'in the dark', as you put it, I thought I was going to /die/, you felt so good!"
He continued, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper as he raised one hand to the man's pale face. "Do you know what I did after you left, O repressed genius?" He smiled at the older man's reluctant curiosity. "I stayed right there in that bed and came so hard that I woke up the guy next door when I screamed for /you/." He smirked. "And it wasn't the first time, either."
Komui gaped at him for the second time, unable to reply. The boy's words brought on a torrent of images, and he shook his head to dispel them. "Lavi.." He started, pausing to clear his throat, "You shouldn't be telling me this." He pushed firmly against the redhaired Exorcist's chest, moving him back a step. "Please just go, I don't want to fight anymore."
Lavi's expression hardened. "I don't want to fight either, but I'm not going to let this be." He ignored the warning set of his companion's jaw, keeping his position as he spoke. "The point here is that you think you've done something wrong, and you haven't. You said that you're staying away because of what you feel, but how do you expect to love me if you're not with me?"
He sighed, shaking his head. "The fact that you're upset about it shows that you feel something for me. That's all that matters, isn't it?"
Komui shook his head, edging away. "It isn't enough." He said, forcing down his panic. "I need time, there's something that I have to do.." He leaned back, not realizing that the wall behind him had led directly to the room he'd left only minutes before. The door swung open beneath his weight, spilling him awkwardly to the floor. Lavi stepped forward in alarm, reaching down to help him stand as his eye caught a flash of familiar metal.
"What the hell/..!" He cried, pointing at the hulking machine, his hand shaking. "Isn't that the thing you used on Allen? What the fuck is it still doing here?" He didn't wait for an answer, shaking his head. "Is /this what you were doing all this time? Rebuilding that stupid ass machine? God!"
He kicked the side furiously, whirling to face the man as he rose to his knees. "What were you going to do, Komui-/san/? Use it on yourself so that you wouldn't feel guilty anymore? Or did you reverse it like you were going to before?"
He smiled, nodding. "Of course you did, how stupid of me. Linali told me that you promised her you would. So, what does it do now? Does it make you hate someone?"
Komui shot to his feet, shaking his head. "No! I didn't make it that way. All it does is prevent the urge to.." Lavi stared at him incredulously.
"Prevent? How the.." He stopped, his face blank. "You were going to use this to stop wanting me, weren't you." He nodded slowly, averting his face to glance over the machine's lit panels. "Were you planning to use that thing since the beginning, because you still see me as a child? Were you going to use it on me, too?" The older man stepped forward, his need to explain causing his throat to tighten with anxiety.
"NO! I wouldn't do that to you, I swear! I wanted to make things right, Lavi. If I loved you, it would be all right to have those feelings! The machine would stop me from feeling like that unless I loved you, so that I couldn't take advant..!"
He faltered as the boy's head snapped around. "You were so desperate to stop wanting me that you'd mess with your brain to get rid of it? Allen said that it was horrible, you know. The feelings alone were.." He paused, blinking. "Would you feel anything, Komui? Would it be like before, working with your body to force you not to want me?" His voice rose again, and he moved to stand before the scientist.
"What would it do to you? Make you sick if you thought about sex? What if you tried to touch me, what then?" He demanded, glaring up at the man's guilty face. "Allen told me that it enhanced everything, need, pleasure.. What would it do to you like this?"
Komui looked away nervously, the words halting as he tried to explain calmly. "It.. It would hurt," He mumbled, closing his eyes. "If I thought about doing..things to you, it would trigger the pain center of the brain and make me stop. The effects would cease once I really loved.."
He vaguely registered movement, and suddenly found himself looking up at the other from a much lower perspective. Raising his fingers to his strangely hot face, he felt the raised outline of a hand, and gasped. "Did you just slap me?!"
Lavi snarled down at him. "I sure as fuck did, but I really wanted to give you a swift kick to the balls, you stupid son of a bitch!" He smiled bleakly. "Do you think I'm that shallow, Komui? Did you really think that I would be happy that you forced yourself to love me? That you hurt yourself to give me what I wanted?"
He turned to the machine again, his eye appraising. "Maybe you're right," He said, kicking it again for good measure. "Since you're so sure that you can't love me, maybe it would be better if you didn't want me either. You may be onto something here. The Church would absolutely love to cut back on the number of unmarried couples. Good job." Neither one noticed the faintly blinking light that appeared on the main console.
Komui stood, his face white. "It isn't like that, so stop making it sound like.." A beep sounded, even as the automated voice rang out behind him.
"Target lock. Safeguards 1 and 2 disengaged. Proceeding at level 10."
"Move!" He yelled, shoving the boy harshly to the side as the machine lit the room in a blaze of deep green radiance.
His eye tearing, Lavi jumped to his feet. "Goddamnit, Komui! Couldn't you have set it to only work with a fucking key or something? You'd think..." He stopped, looking for the suddenly missing scientist. Seeing him nearby, he shook his head. "Hey, get over here and turn this thing off. Better yet, blow the damned thing up."
He knelt, nudging the man none-to-gently with one hand. "Stop playing around and...'Mui? Come on, it isn't funny!" He shook him harder, turning his body to the side as he patted his face cautiously. Beginning to panic, he raised the older man to a sitting position, still calling his name in an increasingly worried voice.
He sighed in mixed relief and exasperation as the man's eyes crept open, and shook his head. "Nice going, man. I thought for a minute that you'd knocked out what little sense you do have.." He leaned closer, something about the man's expression striking him as wrong. "Are you all right?"
Komui frowned slightly, his eyes dull with confusion. "Lavi?" He murmured, blinking slowly, "I think.." He broke off, shaking his head. "Yes, I'm fine.. Just..Let me get up." He rose, staggering for a moment before recovering his balance. Looking down at the boy's relieved face, he frowned. "It didn't work." He said, quietly.
Lavi stared back, perplexed. "What?"
The older man gripped his shoulders, looking closer. "I said, it didn't work. I thought about.." He coughed, his expression tinged with guilt. "..Something." He continued lamely, "And nothing happened. I feel a little dizzy, but it's not because of the machine."
The redhead frowned, remembering his former annoyance. "So you aren't suffering in pointless agony? You must be so disappointed." He growled, backing up a step. To his surprise, the older man moved with him, his hands retaining their grip on his shoulders. "What.."
With astonishing quickness, the scientist cut him off with a forceful jerk, bringing his mouth down to cover the boy's startled cry. Pressing forward insistently, he urged the other's lips to part with a teasing flick of his tongue. Meeting with slight resistance, he hummed questioningly, his hands coming up to stroke at the Exorcist's nape and cheek.
Sighing brokenly, Lavi allowed his jaw to relax, accepting the man's touch with growing desperation. The weeks of enforced separation had made him see just how much he needed this person, this /feeling/, and he couldn't dredge up the will to pull away now that he had what he'd missed so badly.
Komui deepened the kiss, backing Lavi towards the nearest wall with cautious steps. Feeling the cool stone against his arms, he settled his weight firmly against the boy's chest, his hands caressing his exposed arms as he pulled away to breathe. Lavi shivered at the man's intense stare, recognizing the almost hungry expression on his face. "Komui..?" he whispered, "Why are you doing this?"
The scientist closed his eyes, taking a breath. "I..God, Lavi.." He laughed quietly, mocking himself. "I don't feel anything, not even pins and fucking needles! Damn it! " He backed away slowly, his face anguished. "I didn't want to hurt you, Lavi.." he said, regretfully. "I just wanted to give you what you've already given me. I hate myself for making you wait, you should be with someone better than this.."
Lavi frowned at him, exasperated again. "How do you know that it didn't work? I don't know exactly how that.. thing works, but it sure as hell did /something/! Is there any other way to test it?" He narrowed his gaze, squaring his shoulders as he continued. "That kiss didn't feel very 'lustful' to me, you know. Wasn't it only supposed to hurt if you were thinking perverted thoughts?" Komui stared at him blankly.
Lavi smiled, sending a chill through the man's spine. Before he could protest, the boy seized his lapels, turning swiftly to press him to the wall. Still grinning, he leaned in, sealing their mouths together in a decidedly passionate kiss.
Komui gasped, struggling faintly to recall exactly why this was a bad thing. The sensation of hands sliding beneath his shirt brought him out of his momentary daze, and he jerked back, his head striking the stone behind him as he grabbed the boy's wrists. Panting, he shook his head. "Don't do this," He rasped. "It isn't right."
Lavi snorted. "It felt pretty damn right to me. Did it make you think 'bad things', Komui? Or do you need something more direct?" Wrenching one hand away, he slid his arm between the wall and his 'captive's' body, using his hold to pull their hips together sharply. Komui sucked in a breath, closing his eyes at the feeling.
Sighing loudly, Lavi leaned up to murmur into the other's ear, punctuating his words with firm nudges against the man's shaking body. "How's that? Are you thinking, 'Mui? It sure feels like it to me.." He moaned quietly, nipping the scientist's earlobe teasingly. "Something occurred to me once.. I think I'd like your opinion on it."
Komui hummed curiously, his eyes still shut tight.
Lavi shifted his attention to the man's throat, worrying at his collar before replying. "I wondered if maybe there was something you'd be willing to try. You refuse to sleep with me, but that doesn't rule out all sorts of other things.." He bit down gently, feeling the other's chest hitch. "If I asked you nicely, would you let me do any of those things to you, Komui?"
The older man gasped, opening his eyes as he felt the redhaired boy pull back, his hands sliding down to grasp the scientist's hips as he sank to his knees. Stunned, he could only watch as Lavi moved even lower, his gaze flicking up to meet briefly with his own before he swiped his tongue firmly against the front of his suddenly too-tight slacks.
Komui choked out something that may have been the boy's name, arching helplessly away from the wall as the other male smiled innocently.
"Feel anything yet? Oh, of course you do, how stupid of me!" He repeated the action, his face falsely thoughtful. "Not bad, but I think it would taste a little better without the pants."
Komui groaned in frustration, shaking his head as he strove to control his racing heart. "Please," He whispered, clenching his hands tightly. "Please don't do that. I can't..Lavi!" He cried out sharply, feeling the boy's hands run along his inseam in a searing parody of his mouth's previous actions.
"Oh, stop. If I wanted to, I could suck you off right now and I'll bet you wouldn't mind one damn bit." He said, rising to his feet while his hands resumed their grip on the other man's hips. "I don't know how to get it through your head, Komui. What do you want right now, and don't you dare lie!"
Komui shook his head, biting his lip to stifle a whimper as Lavi slipped a hand into his waistband. "I...Oh God, Lavi..Please!"
Lavi growled softly, his fingers dipping further into his lover's pants. "Please /what/? This?"
Komui bucked forward, his mouth open in a soundless scream as the boy grasped him firmly through his undergarments. "Yes! Heaven help me, yes!"
Lavi nodded. "That's what I thought. Now, look me in the eye and tell me that you don't feel anything for me. Say it!" He demanded, stilling his movements completely.
Komui shook his head, gasping for breath. "No! It's not like that, I do! I..Ah!" He yelped, arching again when Lavi resumed his ministrations with renewed determination.
"I'm not going to stop, you know." He whispered, almost inaudibly. "I'm going to finish this, because all I want is to give you what you need. That's love, Komui. Wanting to give the other person a part of yourself without caring if they can return it. Are you satisfied with just this?" He leaned up to kiss the man's reddened cheek, nuzzling against him fondly as his strokes grew gentle.
"If you can keep yourself from wanting to touch me back, then maybe you're right. You wouldn't care if I felt good or not, as long as it felt good to you." He said, wrapping his free arm around the man's waist. "Do you want to touch me, 'Mui? It doesn't matter if you don't, I still won't stop."
Komui nodded eagerly, his eyes opening to meet the other's direct stare. "I do.. I want to make you feel just like this, please let me..." He lifted his shaking hands to the boy's face, pulling him up for a feverish kiss as he stepped briskly away from the wall, shrugging out of his jacket as he did so. Dropping one hand to waist level, he pressed back into the Exorcist's palm while his fingers traced small circles against the fabric of his shirt.
"We can't do this here," He whispered breathlessly, stepping back reluctantly. "It's almost time for the rest of the department to go on break. I'm sorry, believe me." He almost groaned at the open disappointment on his lover's face. "Don't worry, Lavi," He said, his voice serious. "I have no intention of 'letting this be'. Come with me.." He gripped the other's hand tightly, pulling him close and leading him out of the small room.
When they reached the door to the hallway, Komui stopped suddenly, frowning. "Hold on just a second, Lavi. I'm going to get my coat." He released the boy's hand after a quick squeeze, ducking back through the door and reentering the machine's room. Picking up his discarded coat, he saw that a light was still blinking on the control panel. Humming in annoyance, he stepped into the machine's console area.
The main operation screen was active, and he glanced at it briefly before reaching for the power switch. The text drew his eyes back sharply, the words plainly displayed for his disbelieving eyes.
~Sequence initiated~Targeted subject locked~Fired at manual level 10~ Sequence FAILS, Target subject does not fit the specified parameters~ Error Code 213-1D89H: Subject does not meet preset conditions. Operation ineffective.~ Reload and Aquire new Target? Y/N_
Komui stared at the screen for a long moment before pressing the 'N' key, powering down the unit and leaving the room with much more to think about than he'd ever imagined.
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Well, there you have it! It's been a wonderful experience, writing for all of you... I hope that this starts things up nicely, but in case it doesn't, feel free to suggest a continuance XD As I stated in the epilogue of my last FAIL, this fic is mostly Lamui "(c)Niamh 2008" , But there will be some Yullen in later chapters, so please at least give it a chance, eh?
To anyone with questions or whatnot, feel free to ask by pm/im/email, and thanks for reading!
A Fanfiction By SailorLight22
Chapter One - Taking The Initiative
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Okay here's the first chapter of the sequel, thanks to everyone who's stuck by this til now!
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'Six months...' Lavi mused grumpily, pacing the narrow confines of his room. 'Six months, and still nothing!'/. He sighed, running a hand across his face in weary frustration. 'Maybe...maybe he really can't...'/ He stopped the thought, shuddering. He wouldn't give in to his doubts, not after he'd tried so hard. If Komui needed more time, then Lavi would just have to wait.
'The most he's done is look at me,' He frowned, shaking his head. /'I can't even get him to kiss me anymore!' /Pausing, he sank to the floor, resting his chin on his knees. He didn't want to admit it, but it seemed as if the older man had gradually pulled away, distancing himself. In the last month, the separation had increased, leaving the redhaired boy at a loss.
"God, what's wrong with me?" He whispered, clutching his legs tightly. "I just wanted him to try, but I can't stop myself from /pushing/..." He clenched his jaw, forcing away tears. Standing abruptly, he began to pace again. "I've got to say something. If he really...Wants to end this, I need to know." His heart lurched at the prospect, but he ignored the stab of pain in favor of logic.
"I should go to him now. I know where he is, and Linali already said that he's caught up with his work for once.." He muttered, biting his lip. "That's something new, too. He's been working a lot more than he used to, everyone's noticed." Firming his resolve despite the discomfort in is chest, he strode to the door. Once in the corridor, he struck out in the direction of his tormentor's office, his steps quick as he gathered the last bits of his courage.
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Komui sighed, stretching his arms over his head in an attempt to loosen the aching muscles of his shoulders. Smiling ruefully, he reached for his coffee mug, grimacing at the tepid liquid within. 'All this writing..' He thought, signing his name to the last document and pushing it away. 'At least it's done. Now I can go back to thinking terrible things and hating myself for liking it.'
Unbidden, the image of his would-be lover intruded, and he laughed humorlessly. "I wonder if he knows how disgusting I really am," He muttered, removing his glasses and sinking his head into his hands. "I can't even pretend that he won't be angry with me when he sees what I've been doing all this time.."
Standing, he crossed the surprisingly clean room, his fingers settling reluctantly on the doorknob of a formerly empty office before he forced himself to enter. Once inside, he gave the object within a resigned glance as he began to make the final adjustments to what would surely be his final humiliation. As he worked, his mind wandered back to the young man he so desperately wished to avoid hurting.
'I told him I was willing to try,' He thought, frowning in concentration as he tightened his grip on an errant cable. 'But if I can't stop wanting him, how am I supposed to make this work? All he asked me for was love..' He checked the connection one final time, stepping away to survey his now-finished 'project' with critical eyes.
The machine taunted him with it's sleek metal, it's unassuming lines belying it's terrible purpose. Hearing a muffled knocking, he sighed. Quickly exiting the room, he failed to notice the door slowly reopening behind him as the faulty latch quietly disengaged.
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Hearing the man's approach, Lavi fidgeted nervously. 'It's now or never,' He reminded himself, 'I have to know.' As the door swing open, he carefully schooled his features into a semblance of their normal smile, lifting his eye to meet the gaze of his significant other.
The man's almost haggard appearance was shocking, causing his welcome to die unspoken on his lips. Staring up at the older man in confusion, he noticed the darkened skin beneath his eyes, and the tenseness of his posture. "Komui, what's going on?" He blurted, lifting a hand to the taller man's shoulder. "I know I haven't seen you for a couple days, but damn!" The man blinked at him, surprised by his almost angry tone.
"Nothing, I just had a few long nights." He stepped back, indicating that the youth should enter. Closing the door behind him, the man turned to find his companion still unnervingly close, his face set in worried lines.
Lavi tilted his head slightly, picking up the tired aura that surrounded the scientist with little effort. "You've been avoiding me. What did I do this time?" He demanded, forcing his voice to remain low. Komui narrowed his eyes, shaking his head.
"You didn't do anything, Lavi. I told you, I've been working.." He paused, seeing his hot-tempered guest frown.
"Bullshit." Lavi declared, moving closer. "It isn't just the last several days either. You hardly look at me, and you act like I've got the plague when I try to get close." He spat, clenching his fists. "Tell me what happened. Are you starting to get tired of me, is that it?"
The man gaped stupidly at him for a moment, then sighed. "Don't be absurd. If I wanted to stop seeing you, I'd.."
"Tell me?" Lavi interjected hotly, cutting him off as his voice grew louder. "That's bullshit too. When you do come to me, the only thing you ever say is hello and goodbye. Maybe something about a case. It's pretty safe to say that there's a lot of things that just aren't being said, Komui-/san/." He stressed the honorific, feeling a pang of regret at the older man's surprise at the change of address.
Forcing himself to continue, he leaned closer, invading the man's space. Komui drew back hastily, adding fuel to the smaller one's ire. "See!" He rasped, waving his hands at the older man's retreat. "That's what I mean! If I look at you too closely, you pull away then too!"
He faced away abruptly, his shoulders slumped. "All I wanted was a chance, Komui." He ground out, fighting the urge to scream in frustration. "Just because you agreed to try.. It doesn't mean that you can't still change your mind. And the fact that we spent the first two months groping each other silly doesn't make any difference. If this isn't what you need, then say it. I'm not going to force you to stay, so you shouldn't force yourself."
Komui stared at his back in astonishment. "Lavi," He started, placing a hand on the boy's tightly bunched shoulder, "It's not.." Once again, the boy cut him off, swatting away his hand as he whirled.
"Don't!" He barked, annoyance rising. "Don't you stand there and act like you don't see what's happening! Goddamnit, all I need to know is why, why the hiding, the overworking, and why you can't stand my touch anymore! Why?"
Unnoticed, his voice had risen to a hysterical shout, the echo ringing dully from the walls as he glared at his companion.
Komui cooly measured him with his eyes, forcing himself to look away as his own irritation began to surface. "Stop." He murmured, shaking his head as the boy opened his mouth to retort. "I said STOP!" He finally roared, drowning out the redhead's outraged yell. Seizing him harshly by the shoulders, he jerked him to his body, staring down into his upturned face. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay away? Do you?" He hissed, giving the boy a rough shake.
"Every time I look at you now, I think about what's under those damned clothes! I've seen parts of you, and felt most of the rest, but that isn't what I'm supposed to be thinking about!" He snorted at the Exorcist's wide eyed expression. Leaning down, he paused only inches from the boy's open mouth. "Every time I touch you, all I can do is wonder how it would feel to just let go and give you what you've begged me for, all this time!"
He clenched his hands into the folds of Lavi's casual shirt, laughing quietly. "Do you even know what you say to me, Lavi-/kun/?" He said, returning the other's use of title. "When my hands are on you, or when it's dark and you have your legs wrapped around my ass? Answer me!" He demanded, forcing the increasingly stunned youth to meet his gaze.
"N-No.." He choked, shaking his head. "Not all of it.." He broke off, biting his lip as the older man leaned closer still, his heavy breaths fanning over the other's cheek as he spoke more quietly.
"You tell me not to stop, to let go and do as I wish. I can't tell you how many times I've been ready to come in my fucking pants from hearing you beg me to fuck you!"
Lavi reeled back as if he'd been slapped, his eye wide at the man's unexpected admission. "Komui, I..I didn't mean to..!" He gasped as the man cut him off.
"To what, Lavi? You didn't do anything wrong, I did! I promised to try falling in love, but all I've been doing is pressuring you into something that I swore to avoid!" He relaxed his grip on the boy's shirt, turning his face away from his almost frightened expression. "I can't think of anything but having you! I've been trying to stay away because it's not right of me to continue doing that, using your feelings to satisfy my urges.."
Lavi stiffened, his nails biting into his palms. "You just decided to stop? You started avoiding me because you're /normal/!?" He shook his head in disgust. "Jesus, I knew that you had moments of stupidity, but this is unbelievable! How the hell do you think a relationship progresses? You can't be with someone that you don't want to touch, and you can't pretend that I'm innocent of the same thing!"
Komui made to reply, but he waved his hand dismissively. "Don't. You might deny yourself, but I won't." He met the man's eyes directly, his face defiant. "You say that I ask you to do me? That I beg for it? Well that's just fine." He advanced, backing the suddenly nervous man into the wall. "It's fine because even if I don't remember saying it, I know one thing for sure." He leaned in, his eye narrowed. "I meant every damned word of it!"
Komui shrank back, the first twinges of alarm prickling his skin as the shorter boy followed even that slight movement. "Do you know what it feels like, 'Mui? Do you have the slightest idea what I think about it? I love you, but it doesn't stop me from wanting you. The last time we were 'in the dark', as you put it, I thought I was going to /die/, you felt so good!"
He continued, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper as he raised one hand to the man's pale face. "Do you know what I did after you left, O repressed genius?" He smiled at the older man's reluctant curiosity. "I stayed right there in that bed and came so hard that I woke up the guy next door when I screamed for /you/." He smirked. "And it wasn't the first time, either."
Komui gaped at him for the second time, unable to reply. The boy's words brought on a torrent of images, and he shook his head to dispel them. "Lavi.." He started, pausing to clear his throat, "You shouldn't be telling me this." He pushed firmly against the redhaired Exorcist's chest, moving him back a step. "Please just go, I don't want to fight anymore."
Lavi's expression hardened. "I don't want to fight either, but I'm not going to let this be." He ignored the warning set of his companion's jaw, keeping his position as he spoke. "The point here is that you think you've done something wrong, and you haven't. You said that you're staying away because of what you feel, but how do you expect to love me if you're not with me?"
He sighed, shaking his head. "The fact that you're upset about it shows that you feel something for me. That's all that matters, isn't it?"
Komui shook his head, edging away. "It isn't enough." He said, forcing down his panic. "I need time, there's something that I have to do.." He leaned back, not realizing that the wall behind him had led directly to the room he'd left only minutes before. The door swung open beneath his weight, spilling him awkwardly to the floor. Lavi stepped forward in alarm, reaching down to help him stand as his eye caught a flash of familiar metal.
"What the hell/..!" He cried, pointing at the hulking machine, his hand shaking. "Isn't that the thing you used on Allen? What the fuck is it still doing here?" He didn't wait for an answer, shaking his head. "Is /this what you were doing all this time? Rebuilding that stupid ass machine? God!"
He kicked the side furiously, whirling to face the man as he rose to his knees. "What were you going to do, Komui-/san/? Use it on yourself so that you wouldn't feel guilty anymore? Or did you reverse it like you were going to before?"
He smiled, nodding. "Of course you did, how stupid of me. Linali told me that you promised her you would. So, what does it do now? Does it make you hate someone?"
Komui shot to his feet, shaking his head. "No! I didn't make it that way. All it does is prevent the urge to.." Lavi stared at him incredulously.
"Prevent? How the.." He stopped, his face blank. "You were going to use this to stop wanting me, weren't you." He nodded slowly, averting his face to glance over the machine's lit panels. "Were you planning to use that thing since the beginning, because you still see me as a child? Were you going to use it on me, too?" The older man stepped forward, his need to explain causing his throat to tighten with anxiety.
"NO! I wouldn't do that to you, I swear! I wanted to make things right, Lavi. If I loved you, it would be all right to have those feelings! The machine would stop me from feeling like that unless I loved you, so that I couldn't take advant..!"
He faltered as the boy's head snapped around. "You were so desperate to stop wanting me that you'd mess with your brain to get rid of it? Allen said that it was horrible, you know. The feelings alone were.." He paused, blinking. "Would you feel anything, Komui? Would it be like before, working with your body to force you not to want me?" His voice rose again, and he moved to stand before the scientist.
"What would it do to you? Make you sick if you thought about sex? What if you tried to touch me, what then?" He demanded, glaring up at the man's guilty face. "Allen told me that it enhanced everything, need, pleasure.. What would it do to you like this?"
Komui looked away nervously, the words halting as he tried to explain calmly. "It.. It would hurt," He mumbled, closing his eyes. "If I thought about doing..things to you, it would trigger the pain center of the brain and make me stop. The effects would cease once I really loved.."
He vaguely registered movement, and suddenly found himself looking up at the other from a much lower perspective. Raising his fingers to his strangely hot face, he felt the raised outline of a hand, and gasped. "Did you just slap me?!"
Lavi snarled down at him. "I sure as fuck did, but I really wanted to give you a swift kick to the balls, you stupid son of a bitch!" He smiled bleakly. "Do you think I'm that shallow, Komui? Did you really think that I would be happy that you forced yourself to love me? That you hurt yourself to give me what I wanted?"
He turned to the machine again, his eye appraising. "Maybe you're right," He said, kicking it again for good measure. "Since you're so sure that you can't love me, maybe it would be better if you didn't want me either. You may be onto something here. The Church would absolutely love to cut back on the number of unmarried couples. Good job." Neither one noticed the faintly blinking light that appeared on the main console.
Komui stood, his face white. "It isn't like that, so stop making it sound like.." A beep sounded, even as the automated voice rang out behind him.
"Target lock. Safeguards 1 and 2 disengaged. Proceeding at level 10."
"Move!" He yelled, shoving the boy harshly to the side as the machine lit the room in a blaze of deep green radiance.
His eye tearing, Lavi jumped to his feet. "Goddamnit, Komui! Couldn't you have set it to only work with a fucking key or something? You'd think..." He stopped, looking for the suddenly missing scientist. Seeing him nearby, he shook his head. "Hey, get over here and turn this thing off. Better yet, blow the damned thing up."
He knelt, nudging the man none-to-gently with one hand. "Stop playing around and...'Mui? Come on, it isn't funny!" He shook him harder, turning his body to the side as he patted his face cautiously. Beginning to panic, he raised the older man to a sitting position, still calling his name in an increasingly worried voice.
He sighed in mixed relief and exasperation as the man's eyes crept open, and shook his head. "Nice going, man. I thought for a minute that you'd knocked out what little sense you do have.." He leaned closer, something about the man's expression striking him as wrong. "Are you all right?"
Komui frowned slightly, his eyes dull with confusion. "Lavi?" He murmured, blinking slowly, "I think.." He broke off, shaking his head. "Yes, I'm fine.. Just..Let me get up." He rose, staggering for a moment before recovering his balance. Looking down at the boy's relieved face, he frowned. "It didn't work." He said, quietly.
Lavi stared back, perplexed. "What?"
The older man gripped his shoulders, looking closer. "I said, it didn't work. I thought about.." He coughed, his expression tinged with guilt. "..Something." He continued lamely, "And nothing happened. I feel a little dizzy, but it's not because of the machine."
The redhead frowned, remembering his former annoyance. "So you aren't suffering in pointless agony? You must be so disappointed." He growled, backing up a step. To his surprise, the older man moved with him, his hands retaining their grip on his shoulders. "What.."
With astonishing quickness, the scientist cut him off with a forceful jerk, bringing his mouth down to cover the boy's startled cry. Pressing forward insistently, he urged the other's lips to part with a teasing flick of his tongue. Meeting with slight resistance, he hummed questioningly, his hands coming up to stroke at the Exorcist's nape and cheek.
Sighing brokenly, Lavi allowed his jaw to relax, accepting the man's touch with growing desperation. The weeks of enforced separation had made him see just how much he needed this person, this /feeling/, and he couldn't dredge up the will to pull away now that he had what he'd missed so badly.
Komui deepened the kiss, backing Lavi towards the nearest wall with cautious steps. Feeling the cool stone against his arms, he settled his weight firmly against the boy's chest, his hands caressing his exposed arms as he pulled away to breathe. Lavi shivered at the man's intense stare, recognizing the almost hungry expression on his face. "Komui..?" he whispered, "Why are you doing this?"
The scientist closed his eyes, taking a breath. "I..God, Lavi.." He laughed quietly, mocking himself. "I don't feel anything, not even pins and fucking needles! Damn it! " He backed away slowly, his face anguished. "I didn't want to hurt you, Lavi.." he said, regretfully. "I just wanted to give you what you've already given me. I hate myself for making you wait, you should be with someone better than this.."
Lavi frowned at him, exasperated again. "How do you know that it didn't work? I don't know exactly how that.. thing works, but it sure as hell did /something/! Is there any other way to test it?" He narrowed his gaze, squaring his shoulders as he continued. "That kiss didn't feel very 'lustful' to me, you know. Wasn't it only supposed to hurt if you were thinking perverted thoughts?" Komui stared at him blankly.
Lavi smiled, sending a chill through the man's spine. Before he could protest, the boy seized his lapels, turning swiftly to press him to the wall. Still grinning, he leaned in, sealing their mouths together in a decidedly passionate kiss.
Komui gasped, struggling faintly to recall exactly why this was a bad thing. The sensation of hands sliding beneath his shirt brought him out of his momentary daze, and he jerked back, his head striking the stone behind him as he grabbed the boy's wrists. Panting, he shook his head. "Don't do this," He rasped. "It isn't right."
Lavi snorted. "It felt pretty damn right to me. Did it make you think 'bad things', Komui? Or do you need something more direct?" Wrenching one hand away, he slid his arm between the wall and his 'captive's' body, using his hold to pull their hips together sharply. Komui sucked in a breath, closing his eyes at the feeling.
Sighing loudly, Lavi leaned up to murmur into the other's ear, punctuating his words with firm nudges against the man's shaking body. "How's that? Are you thinking, 'Mui? It sure feels like it to me.." He moaned quietly, nipping the scientist's earlobe teasingly. "Something occurred to me once.. I think I'd like your opinion on it."
Komui hummed curiously, his eyes still shut tight.
Lavi shifted his attention to the man's throat, worrying at his collar before replying. "I wondered if maybe there was something you'd be willing to try. You refuse to sleep with me, but that doesn't rule out all sorts of other things.." He bit down gently, feeling the other's chest hitch. "If I asked you nicely, would you let me do any of those things to you, Komui?"
The older man gasped, opening his eyes as he felt the redhaired boy pull back, his hands sliding down to grasp the scientist's hips as he sank to his knees. Stunned, he could only watch as Lavi moved even lower, his gaze flicking up to meet briefly with his own before he swiped his tongue firmly against the front of his suddenly too-tight slacks.
Komui choked out something that may have been the boy's name, arching helplessly away from the wall as the other male smiled innocently.
"Feel anything yet? Oh, of course you do, how stupid of me!" He repeated the action, his face falsely thoughtful. "Not bad, but I think it would taste a little better without the pants."
Komui groaned in frustration, shaking his head as he strove to control his racing heart. "Please," He whispered, clenching his hands tightly. "Please don't do that. I can't..Lavi!" He cried out sharply, feeling the boy's hands run along his inseam in a searing parody of his mouth's previous actions.
"Oh, stop. If I wanted to, I could suck you off right now and I'll bet you wouldn't mind one damn bit." He said, rising to his feet while his hands resumed their grip on the other man's hips. "I don't know how to get it through your head, Komui. What do you want right now, and don't you dare lie!"
Komui shook his head, biting his lip to stifle a whimper as Lavi slipped a hand into his waistband. "I...Oh God, Lavi..Please!"
Lavi growled softly, his fingers dipping further into his lover's pants. "Please /what/? This?"
Komui bucked forward, his mouth open in a soundless scream as the boy grasped him firmly through his undergarments. "Yes! Heaven help me, yes!"
Lavi nodded. "That's what I thought. Now, look me in the eye and tell me that you don't feel anything for me. Say it!" He demanded, stilling his movements completely.
Komui shook his head, gasping for breath. "No! It's not like that, I do! I..Ah!" He yelped, arching again when Lavi resumed his ministrations with renewed determination.
"I'm not going to stop, you know." He whispered, almost inaudibly. "I'm going to finish this, because all I want is to give you what you need. That's love, Komui. Wanting to give the other person a part of yourself without caring if they can return it. Are you satisfied with just this?" He leaned up to kiss the man's reddened cheek, nuzzling against him fondly as his strokes grew gentle.
"If you can keep yourself from wanting to touch me back, then maybe you're right. You wouldn't care if I felt good or not, as long as it felt good to you." He said, wrapping his free arm around the man's waist. "Do you want to touch me, 'Mui? It doesn't matter if you don't, I still won't stop."
Komui nodded eagerly, his eyes opening to meet the other's direct stare. "I do.. I want to make you feel just like this, please let me..." He lifted his shaking hands to the boy's face, pulling him up for a feverish kiss as he stepped briskly away from the wall, shrugging out of his jacket as he did so. Dropping one hand to waist level, he pressed back into the Exorcist's palm while his fingers traced small circles against the fabric of his shirt.
"We can't do this here," He whispered breathlessly, stepping back reluctantly. "It's almost time for the rest of the department to go on break. I'm sorry, believe me." He almost groaned at the open disappointment on his lover's face. "Don't worry, Lavi," He said, his voice serious. "I have no intention of 'letting this be'. Come with me.." He gripped the other's hand tightly, pulling him close and leading him out of the small room.
When they reached the door to the hallway, Komui stopped suddenly, frowning. "Hold on just a second, Lavi. I'm going to get my coat." He released the boy's hand after a quick squeeze, ducking back through the door and reentering the machine's room. Picking up his discarded coat, he saw that a light was still blinking on the control panel. Humming in annoyance, he stepped into the machine's console area.
The main operation screen was active, and he glanced at it briefly before reaching for the power switch. The text drew his eyes back sharply, the words plainly displayed for his disbelieving eyes.
~Sequence initiated~Targeted subject locked~Fired at manual level 10~ Sequence FAILS, Target subject does not fit the specified parameters~ Error Code 213-1D89H: Subject does not meet preset conditions. Operation ineffective.~ Reload and Aquire new Target? Y/N_
Komui stared at the screen for a long moment before pressing the 'N' key, powering down the unit and leaving the room with much more to think about than he'd ever imagined.
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Well, there you have it! It's been a wonderful experience, writing for all of you... I hope that this starts things up nicely, but in case it doesn't, feel free to suggest a continuance XD As I stated in the epilogue of my last FAIL, this fic is mostly Lamui "(c)Niamh 2008" , But there will be some Yullen in later chapters, so please at least give it a chance, eh?
To anyone with questions or whatnot, feel free to ask by pm/im/email, and thanks for reading!
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