FicWad

VARIATIONS ON THE WORD SLEEP
(Big Monster Lover, Bigger Pusher Over)

Shh, I can’t speak. You are sleeping. You are close but the space between us is a boundless as the dark. I could reach out and touch you but I won’t. I want to watch you sleeping which may never happen. I will sleep next you, without sleeping, silently. Forever... at least while you’ll let me. But neither of us are the sacrificing type. Neither of us are willing to give me being here up. I do not want to be here, not sleeping next to you. I want to be there sleeping as you, one unit of your person. I want to enter your thoughts, that smooth slick of sleep, I want to paint myself it’s colour. You sleep, unmoving, almost dead. I want to join you there, inside that state. State of mind. I suppose you are in a starlite diner or walking through that lucent wavering forest of bluegreen leaves with it’s watery sun and three moons. I want to join you there.
My hand reaches out like it’s own will. I can feel your skin inches away from it. It seeps through the air and into my fingers. It slides all the way up my arm and into my stomach, where it swims like poison. You stir and I feel caught, even as you settle back into place. I want to be the fibers of you pillow. It is yours now. You will linger on it while it lives. I will never throw it away because it’s not mine to get rid of. So it will sit there mocking me after you go forever.
I try to close my eyes, but it puts me there inside the places where your heartbeat is the soundtrack. A rocky pebble beach where the grass shoots up through them like memories of life. The ocean crashes inside there with your off center smile. The one that I never see. You stand behind me there. And I want to turn to see it but if I do it’ll vanish like it was never there. I stare at the waves like they are you, my eyes taking all of you in, your imagined reflection in the water that’s too far away.
You will leave me alone like a victim wants. I do no want this. I am unconventional as victims go. I beg for more, and wish for less.
There I will lie like an angel in the snow. My wings broken and beaten down. I will lie there til I freeze in this. I will watch the reflection of your body getting further away inside my eyes in the mirror. That image burned into my retinas. Already. And you still lay there, somewhere far next to me. I could reach out and touch you. Touch and feel. Lose. I will, so I wont. Because touching and feeling makes the losing harder. It’s what’ll make my hair fall out and onto the pillow that’s scarred with your scent. I would like to even be this silence, the one that floats through your resting body. I want to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to to be that necessary.


AN: Alright. So, the title is the name of the poem that inspired this story. The poem 'Variation On The Word Sleep' is by Margaret Atwood. I strongly suggest reading it as it is one of my favorites. The secondary title is from the song 'Back Of Your Head' by Cat Power. As for the story itself... I'm not really sure what I was trying to say with it. I hope you like it.

Playlist:
-'Say It To Me Now' By Glen Hansard
-'Alone (Acoustic)' By Ben Harper
-'Desire' By Ryan Adams