Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?
If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?
2 reviews"I’m waiting for it to be over. I want it to end. Breathing is becoming difficult for me. I want it to be over. The seconds are racing past. I need to breathe."
0Unrated
Sometimes, death could be such a beautiful thing.
It could open a door into a new life, a life worth living… a life without all the pains and hardships that one has to go through every single day. Without death, then there is no life and no point to live. We live our lives in anticipation for our deaths. Ironic, isn’t it? We live to die. There is nothing which rings more true, however, than that. At the point of our deaths, we ask ourselves if the life we lived was worth it and if we lived to the fullest extent of our abilities. While regret in life could dampen the joy that is death, it should be true that you had no regrets when you finally died. You were satisfied with the life that you lived… I only wish that I could feel the same.
I remember what you said to me once. It was only a week or so ago, yet the wisdom and truth that lives within its words makes me believe that it is much older. I never understood what you meant by it. Now, that I am sitting in the trauma center of the hospital, my hands and fingernails infested with your blood and my blue shirt drenched in the red essence, I can finally understand what you had told me.
“You can’t hide your heartbreak, Gerard. I can always see it in your eyes, constantly smashing into a million pieces, over and over again. Such a painful thing can’t be easily masked, especially with eyes like yours.”
How right you were. I could never hide it, no matter how hard I tried. I have always been constantly told how sad my eyes looked all the time, how my pain could be seen swirling around in my hazel orbs. You especially liked to stare into my eyes and tell me exactly how I was feeling. You could read me in a second just by looking into me. You had always told me that I never wore my heart on my sleeve, I showed it off in my eyes. “…and when you have a heart that’s always broken, you can only imagine how utterly pained your eyes look all the time”, I remember you saying. As you journeyed closer to your death, your senses over me intensified. You could read me so easily, as if you had come to appreciate me silently as your body soon began to fail. The months leading to now were hard on me, so extremely hard. How can they expect me to handle watching you die, slowly and painfully? I can only imagine how horrible my eyes must have looked during your final weeks and how hard it must have been for you to look into them.
I’m watching them try to resuscitate you, watching as they’re trying to pump the blood back into your bleached body, watching as they’re pulling out the shockers to start your heart back up. Nurses are frantically running back and forth, the blood on their hands the same as the blood on mine. Doctors are barking commands and all I can really hear is the flat lined drone of the heart monitor.
One shock. You’re still flat lining.
Second shock. Flat lining.
Third shock. Flat.
I’m waiting for it to be over. I want it to end. Breathing is becoming difficult for me. I want it to be over. The seconds are racing past. I need to breathe.
I breathe in. The flat drone continues on. They’ve given up the shockers now. I breathe out. The doctor steps back and looks at the clock. 11:32 pm, he says. I breathe in. They’re pulling a sheet over your body. The doctor finds my eyes. I breathe out. He shakes his head and takes off his bloodied gloves. I breathe in. The doctor is in front of me now. I breathe out. Silence. I breathe in. I breathe out.
You’re dead.
Chapter 1
Her name was Rayne.
The love of my life, the girl that made me wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, the one that I would die for. Rayne Crowley. I loved her more than anything, more than words could ever describe. She changed my life in so many ways. Before I met her, I was bitter, cold, and I hated the world that I lived in. A few days into my life and she managed to throw it all away, never to be thought of again. I don’t know what it was about her but when we first met, she was like this impenetrable strength that could cause my whole world to shake. You had to have seen her then… she was so happy, so spontaneous. A day with her was like an intense roller coaster. You would never know what spin would come next or what drop you were about to descend on. She was my oxygen, my world, just utterly… my everything.
Rayne was sick.
I was on my way to her apartment, a fresh lunch in my hands and new medication for her to take. Sad, really… it was all her life had become. Sleep, eat, and take her medicine. They were pumping drugs into her body like clockwork. Every three hours on the dot, the same pills were to be taken. It was a never ending cycle. Well, there was to be an end, but that was something that I didn’t care to think about then. Rayne hated the medicine, naturally. Soon, she began to dislike everything around her. Her impulsiveness was lost, her lively demeanor cast away, and her smiles disappeared into frowns and scowls. Depression sunk in too deep within her mind to be rooted out and not even the anti-depressants would change that.
It was a cold, breezy day in Belleville, the city where we met, the city that we fell in love in, the city that was Rayne’s home. The sun made my face warm while the sharp bursts of freezing wind made me shiver. I remember thinking to myself that Rayne hopefully turned on the heater for herself. With her apartment overlooking the bay, it would get so chilly in there. The cold wasn’t good for her, especially with her weak immune system. Sometimes, she liked to disregard the fact that she was so sick. She would act as if she were perfectly healthy and didn’t need anything at all. Rayne had become so stubborn, so completely oblivious to the fact that things had to change. That’s what I was there for, to make sure that she was taken care of. It was my job… it was my life. I promised myself that as long as Rayne was alive, I would be there by her side to help her. It was a promise that I haven’t faltered on since day one, no matter how much pain it caused me. Being by Rayne’s side so often was a hard task, one that would drain me completely.
Even though I enjoyed helping Rayne… sometimes it just seemed so empty to me.
It wasn’t always like this. I remembered the day when we first met. It was just a few years ago, yet in those days it seemed like that was such a long time back…
*
The record store was just one of my favorite places to be. I went there on a weekly basis, buying vinyl albums and CDs or to just look around. That day was no different than the rest. It was a lazy, warm Saturday and I had nothing better to do and nothing in mind. In those days, I wasn’t very friendly and I didn’t have many people to associate myself with. I had the occasional friend here and there, but I just felt no desire to socialize. I felt that I was better on my own. It had been proven to me many times before that people weren’t worth getting to know. I had a rough time in school because of my different appearance and musical tastes. I suppose you could say that my people skills definitely needed working on. I hadn’t had many intimate relationships and I hated to go on dates. The lonely life was one that I preferred.
I was walking up and down the aisles, looking past the artists that I knew too well. Whose album would I buy today? I was always up for experimentation, always looking for new music to get into. It was my escape from the world I had grown to dislike too much. I stopped at the new wave section and began filing through CDs, looking for an artist I’d never heard of. I was humming to myself, minding my own business when I felt a sharp tap to my shoulder. I turned around and met a pair of glittering green eyes, teamed with a delicate, friendly face. Before I could really think of anything, she began to speak.
“Hi! Need any help?” she asked in a cheery tone. She was so loud, so peppy. My eyes widened and I actually wanted to laugh at her.
“Um, no… but thanks.” I said quietly, turning back around to the CDs. She tapped my shoulder again and I quickly looked back, slightly annoyed to see her still smiling at me.
“Because I know all about new wave. It’s my addiction. I’m new here. My name is Rayne.” she said, taking my hand before I could extend it myself and shaking it. I shook back weakly, staring at her in an odd manner. She was very eccentric, very lively. It annoyed me. I really wanted her to just leave me alone.
“Well, Rayne, thank you, but I don’t need any help.” I said, offering a polite but stern smile. Before I could even turn back, she stepped right in front of me, blocking my view of the CDs.
“Are you sure?” she asked, her very happy voice beginning to really irritate me.
“Positive.” I grunted.
“Are you really positive?”
“Yes! Go away!”
“Because we had this new Pixies vinyl come in. I think you’d like it.”
I had to admit, that caught my attention.
“A Pixies vinyl?” I asked.
“Mmm-hmm. Kinda rare. We keep it in the back. Wanna take a look at it?”
I looked Rayne in her eyes, wondering how one person could be as joyful about something as simple as helping a customer out. She seemed positively enthralled in making me happy and she didn’t even know who I was. Such compassion was foreign to me. I took note of her blissful face, her lips upturned in a bright smile. Honestly, I just couldn’t say no to that face.
“Sure. Let’s see it.” I said, sighing. Rayne grinned and walked past me to head to the back of the store. She returned a few moments later with the vinyl in her hands, looking as happy as ever.
“It’s used, but the condition is really great. I bet you’re gonna want to listen to it anyway.” Rayne said, handing me the record. I looked down and smiled to myself. It was definitely something I’d been looking for.
“Okay, I’ll take it.” I said, handing it back to her.
“Awesome, I’ll ring you up over here.” Rayne said, walking over to the counter. I followed her, shaking my head to myself. I really needed to learn to actually let people help me sometimes. As Rayne was doing all the registering needs, I was looking at a display of small switchblades for sell. I was a hardcore kid back then and I had always wanted a switchblade. These had great designs and colors on them. I picked one up that had a crimson handle with black flames etched on it. I flicked it open, admiring the sharp clean blade. I snapped it closed and placed it on the counter.
“Can I have the blade, too?” I asked.
“Yeah, sure. Your total is gonna be $40.67.”
I gave her the money and watched as she returned my change. She handed me all my things in a bag and smiled again.
“Thanks a lot.” I said, offering a small wave and turning to leave. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned to face her, an inquisitive look on my face. What was she going to say now?
“Hey, I never caught your name.” she said, smirking.
“Oh, it’s Gerard”
“Nice to meet you, Gerard. I’ll be seeing you again soon.” Rayne told me. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at her strangely.
“What do you mean?” I asked. Rayne grinned again before she turned around to walk away.
“Just a feeling.” she said over her shoulder.
I went home confused and touched in a way. I couldn’t explain why, but somehow Rayne had left an impression on me. On my walk home, all I could think about were the things she said to me, the way she smiled, and her last remark. Maybe she meant that she would see me in the record store again? I didn’t know, but whatever it was really made me think. Not only that, but I felt rather foolish for being so stuck on someone I had only known for about ten minutes. Still, that didn’t stop her face from haunting my mind. She was nice looking… she had beautiful eyes and a nice voice.
When I arrived home, the first thing I wanted to do was listen to my new record. I went over to my record player and took the vinyl out of the bag. As I slowly slid the black disc out of the packages, a small piece of paper fluttered to the floor. I bent down to pick it up when I noticed writing on the other side. I flipped it over, reading what it said.
“Don’t you want to find out how I knew you liked the Pixies? Discuss it during dinner?
Sincerely,
Rayne”
Her message was followed by a phone number. My heart made a jump and I placed the paper down on my coffee table, shaking my head. No way. She was way too peculiar and hyper for me. I would want to kill her in a heart beat. Plus, dating really wasn’t my thing.
I had to admit, the whole thing had me really confused. It was just one of those weird things that become stuck in your head, like a stranger who smiles at you on the street or when spot a friend you haven’t seen in a long time. I tried to put it behind me, tried to forget about the note and just listen to my music. She wasn’t my type, I wasn’t into dating, and I wasn’t looking for a new friend. I tried to stop thinking about about how her statement about seeing me soon and how she seemed to know so much about me regardless of the few words that I had spoken to hier. She was probably just some weird girl, anyway. Not even worth my time.
The paper with her number stayed on my coffee table for a week. Even though I decided not to call her and forget that I ever met her, I didn’t have the heart to throw it away. I would stare it whenever I watched TV, ate breakfast, listened to music, and read. I stared at it so often that I even had his number memorized. It would randomly come to me during the oddest moments, like when I was in the shower or when I was about to fall asleep. It was down right annoying, but pretty soon I actually wanted to call her. I would constantly replay our scene together in my head, sometimes smiling to myself at how adorable she seemed. I didn’t even want to go into the record store because I was nervous about seeing her again. It was amazing how sprung I was.
Finally, two weeks after I first met Rayne, I stared at her number again and picked up the phone next to me. I quickly dialed the memorized numbers and waited quietly while it rang. I was suddenly very nervous, very anxious. What was I going to say? Was I really going to ask her out on a date? She picked up the phone and I had to clear my throat to talk.
“Hey, Rayne? This is Gerard.” I said. I heard her chuckle softly on the other end.
“About time! I was waiting for you to call me.”
I bit my lip, at a loss for what to say.
“You there?” she asked after a moment.
“Yeah… it’s just… you want to go to dinner… or something?”
“I sure would. Friday night sound good? You pick the place.” she said
“Yeah, that’s actually perfect. I’ll call back with details.”
“Sounds great. I’ll talk to you later then?”
“Absolutely. Bye, Rayne.”
“Bye.”
It was as simple as that… it’s amazing how things are just so complicated now…
*
I approached her complex and made my way up to her apartment. I went up these cold metal stairs at least three times every single day. It took twelve steps, a turn, and then another twelve to get to her door. Her apartment became my second home, if not my first. I could have sworn that I was at her place more often than mine. The hollow clangs of my feet against the cold metal steps became a sound too familiar to me, the graffiti on the walls that I saw every day became images embedded into my mind. Much like Rayne and her medicine, this was a daily routine for me. We both were living our lives as automated schedules. Every single day was like the same pantomime to be played out in the same formation.
Her door came into sight and I took my keys out of my pocket. I balanced the bag of food on my knee and slid the key in the lock. Her door was a little tough and I would always have to turn the key back and forth before it would open.
One turn. Second turn. Push the door open with my foot and I’m in.
Her apartment was dark and very icy. It looked like night time in there compared to the bright day outside. I sighed despairingly and set all of my things on the floor. Just a regular day in the life of Rayne. She was probably sitting in a corner, pondering about the days she’s lost and the life that she used to live. Leave it up to her to be so pessimistic.
“Rayne?” I called, removing my jacket and tossing it over her arm chair. My eyes were slowly adjusting to the dark and I was looking for her shape in the living room, roaming over all the corners and all over the floor.
“Rayne? I brought your lunch.” I said, continuing looking around. My eyes settled on the huge bay window that was in the back of the room. The dark curtains were drawn shut, cutting out any light that could’ve brightened up the room. A small crack of sun filtered through where the curtains met and I could see the outline of her frail shape sitting in front of it. I sighed again and walked forward, staring at her back. She had lost so much weight recently. She was sitting cross legged, staring at the black nothing in front of him.
“Rayne… it’s freezing in here… and let in some light, it’s a gorgeous day.” I sternly pointed out, reaching past him to throw the curtains open. I looked down and saw my pale love, clenching her eyes shut at the sudden appearance of light. I smiled softly and bent my head down to kiss her forehead. She didn’t acknowledge the gesture. She never does. I ran my hands through her hair, rubbing her scalp softly. She used to have it dyed and in a mohawk. Now it was just her natural brown and messy. She had a blanket wrapped around her and the sun made her green eyes sparkle. Her once lively eyes…
“How are you feeling today?” I asked, pulling the blanket around her tighter, making sure that his chest was nice and covered.
“Like absolute shit. What else is new?” she replied in a monotone voice. Nothing that I wasn’t used to.
“I brought your favorite, a sandwich from the vegan restaurant that you love so much.” I told her, turning around to get the food that I had brought her.
“I hate that place.” she whispered.
“No, you don’t, you love it. We used to go there all time.”
“Do I have to take my medicine today?” she asked.
“As always, Rayne.”
This was normal conversation. She would claim to hate the food I brought her, although I only pick the places that she loves the most. She wouldn’t want to take the medicine. I replied with the same answer every day.
I came back with his sandwich and food for myself. I sat next to her closely, missing the feel of her body. We used to cuddle together all the time in front of this very window, looking over the same view of the blue bay. We loved to watch the boats race by and the people walking below. Rayne made me admire the simple things like that. Now, she just stared off at the sky, ignoring all the life below him. I put her sandwich and plate in front of her and she stared at it for a moment before picking it up to begin eating it.
“Did you sleep well last night?” I inquired, taking a bite out of my own sandwich.
“Surprisingly, yes.” she said after swallowing.
“Good, good. The more sleep you get, the more strength you’ll have in the day.”
“I suppose so… I started to write something today.”
I smiled, looking at her. Rayne doing something productive? That’s something I haven’t seen in a long time. She used to love writing and painting. She hadn’t done anything like that in a long time. It was a very good sign.
“Really? What is it?” I asked.
She shrugged, putting his half finished sandwich back on the plate.
“Nothing special. I guess you could call it a journal. I just write about random things.”
“That sounds interesting. Will I ever be able to read it?” I asked. To see what was on Rayne’s mind would be miraculous. She never let me in on her thoughts anymore. I was always left to guessing about everything. She stayed silent for a moment, pondering her answer.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” she said quietly, staring off into the bay again.
“Maybe?”
“When I’m dead.”
I swallowed my food and stared at her. Sometimes the things that came out of her mouth shocked me… left me completely speechless. She shouldn’t have been talking like that. I hated it whenever she mentioned death, absolutely hated it. It wasn’t something that I wanted to hear and she knew it. I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say to that. What can you say to something like that? I put my food down and got up, leaving her to her morbid thoughts. I returned with a small plastic case filled with all her medication and a glass of water.
“I don’t want to take them.” she said in a strong voice.
“You have to.”
“I don’t want to.” she said more sternly.
“Rayne! I’m not going to fight you on this, you have to.”
“You say that every single day…” she muttered.
“Yeah, and you always end up taking the pills anyway. You have to take them, they’re going to make you feel better.” I exclaimed, really beginning to get angry. Why could she just not fight with me for once?
“What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway.”
I suddenly threw the case onto the floor, gritting my teeth. Rayne winced and looked up at me. I was breathing heavily, not even daring to look at her. It was too painful to look at her. I hated the person she had become. I was soon growing sick of this daily routine. I was really tiring from it all. The same things were said every single day, the same tones used, the same hopes and dreams destroyed. It never used to be like this. Our days were filled with warmth and love. Now, it was just priorities. Rayne continued to stare at me, probably feeling bad for hurting me. I didn’t care if she felt bad. I just didn’t care anymore.
“Just… take your medication, please. Do it for me. For once, just do something for me.” I whispered in a trembling voice, closing my eyes.
Rayne sighed, slowly taking the glass of water out of my hand. She popped open the case and starting putting pills into her mouth and swallowing some water. I finally looked down, making sure she took each one. She made a sickened face after swallowing her last one and handed me the glass of water.
“Thank you. Now, I’m going back to work. I’ll be back at night to give you your dinner, okay?” I said, walking away.
“Okay.”
I picked up my jacket and put it on before looking back at Rayne. She went back to staring at the bay, though she probably wasn’t registering anything that she was looking. It really pained me to watch.
“I’ll see you tonight.” I said, opening the door and stepping out. Rayne said nothing.
“I love you.” I called out. Rayne said nothing.
As I turned my back to leave I could hear her drawing her curtains shut again. I closed the door behind me and collapsed with my back against it, sliding down on to sit on the floor. I exhaled a long, shaky breath that I’d been holding in for too long. God, it killed me to see her like that. I wanted my old Rayne back. I knew I had to be strong for her, I had to be supporting her but it was just so hard sometimes. I wondered if she still loved me at all, if Rayne even understood just how much she hurt me when she ignored me. I knew that it wasn’t entirely her fault, but couldn’t she just pretend to be happy?
No, she couldn’t pretend. That was my job. Rayne was the reality. I was the fantasy.
Pick yourself up, Gerard. Be tough. This is your life now. You were never supposed to be happy anyway.
I listened to my words and stood up on shaky legs. I breathed for a moment, clearing my mind and calming myself down. It was time to live life. I straightened out my clothes, smoothed my hair, and began my decent down those cold metal stairs. I would come back up these stairs in a few hours anyway, come back to Rayne, feed her, fight her on her medicine and force her to take them. Nothing’s changed, nothing will change, and this is how it will all end.
This was my life, after all.
It could open a door into a new life, a life worth living… a life without all the pains and hardships that one has to go through every single day. Without death, then there is no life and no point to live. We live our lives in anticipation for our deaths. Ironic, isn’t it? We live to die. There is nothing which rings more true, however, than that. At the point of our deaths, we ask ourselves if the life we lived was worth it and if we lived to the fullest extent of our abilities. While regret in life could dampen the joy that is death, it should be true that you had no regrets when you finally died. You were satisfied with the life that you lived… I only wish that I could feel the same.
I remember what you said to me once. It was only a week or so ago, yet the wisdom and truth that lives within its words makes me believe that it is much older. I never understood what you meant by it. Now, that I am sitting in the trauma center of the hospital, my hands and fingernails infested with your blood and my blue shirt drenched in the red essence, I can finally understand what you had told me.
“You can’t hide your heartbreak, Gerard. I can always see it in your eyes, constantly smashing into a million pieces, over and over again. Such a painful thing can’t be easily masked, especially with eyes like yours.”
How right you were. I could never hide it, no matter how hard I tried. I have always been constantly told how sad my eyes looked all the time, how my pain could be seen swirling around in my hazel orbs. You especially liked to stare into my eyes and tell me exactly how I was feeling. You could read me in a second just by looking into me. You had always told me that I never wore my heart on my sleeve, I showed it off in my eyes. “…and when you have a heart that’s always broken, you can only imagine how utterly pained your eyes look all the time”, I remember you saying. As you journeyed closer to your death, your senses over me intensified. You could read me so easily, as if you had come to appreciate me silently as your body soon began to fail. The months leading to now were hard on me, so extremely hard. How can they expect me to handle watching you die, slowly and painfully? I can only imagine how horrible my eyes must have looked during your final weeks and how hard it must have been for you to look into them.
I’m watching them try to resuscitate you, watching as they’re trying to pump the blood back into your bleached body, watching as they’re pulling out the shockers to start your heart back up. Nurses are frantically running back and forth, the blood on their hands the same as the blood on mine. Doctors are barking commands and all I can really hear is the flat lined drone of the heart monitor.
One shock. You’re still flat lining.
Second shock. Flat lining.
Third shock. Flat.
I’m waiting for it to be over. I want it to end. Breathing is becoming difficult for me. I want it to be over. The seconds are racing past. I need to breathe.
I breathe in. The flat drone continues on. They’ve given up the shockers now. I breathe out. The doctor steps back and looks at the clock. 11:32 pm, he says. I breathe in. They’re pulling a sheet over your body. The doctor finds my eyes. I breathe out. He shakes his head and takes off his bloodied gloves. I breathe in. The doctor is in front of me now. I breathe out. Silence. I breathe in. I breathe out.
You’re dead.
Chapter 1
Her name was Rayne.
The love of my life, the girl that made me wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, the one that I would die for. Rayne Crowley. I loved her more than anything, more than words could ever describe. She changed my life in so many ways. Before I met her, I was bitter, cold, and I hated the world that I lived in. A few days into my life and she managed to throw it all away, never to be thought of again. I don’t know what it was about her but when we first met, she was like this impenetrable strength that could cause my whole world to shake. You had to have seen her then… she was so happy, so spontaneous. A day with her was like an intense roller coaster. You would never know what spin would come next or what drop you were about to descend on. She was my oxygen, my world, just utterly… my everything.
Rayne was sick.
I was on my way to her apartment, a fresh lunch in my hands and new medication for her to take. Sad, really… it was all her life had become. Sleep, eat, and take her medicine. They were pumping drugs into her body like clockwork. Every three hours on the dot, the same pills were to be taken. It was a never ending cycle. Well, there was to be an end, but that was something that I didn’t care to think about then. Rayne hated the medicine, naturally. Soon, she began to dislike everything around her. Her impulsiveness was lost, her lively demeanor cast away, and her smiles disappeared into frowns and scowls. Depression sunk in too deep within her mind to be rooted out and not even the anti-depressants would change that.
It was a cold, breezy day in Belleville, the city where we met, the city that we fell in love in, the city that was Rayne’s home. The sun made my face warm while the sharp bursts of freezing wind made me shiver. I remember thinking to myself that Rayne hopefully turned on the heater for herself. With her apartment overlooking the bay, it would get so chilly in there. The cold wasn’t good for her, especially with her weak immune system. Sometimes, she liked to disregard the fact that she was so sick. She would act as if she were perfectly healthy and didn’t need anything at all. Rayne had become so stubborn, so completely oblivious to the fact that things had to change. That’s what I was there for, to make sure that she was taken care of. It was my job… it was my life. I promised myself that as long as Rayne was alive, I would be there by her side to help her. It was a promise that I haven’t faltered on since day one, no matter how much pain it caused me. Being by Rayne’s side so often was a hard task, one that would drain me completely.
Even though I enjoyed helping Rayne… sometimes it just seemed so empty to me.
It wasn’t always like this. I remembered the day when we first met. It was just a few years ago, yet in those days it seemed like that was such a long time back…
*
The record store was just one of my favorite places to be. I went there on a weekly basis, buying vinyl albums and CDs or to just look around. That day was no different than the rest. It was a lazy, warm Saturday and I had nothing better to do and nothing in mind. In those days, I wasn’t very friendly and I didn’t have many people to associate myself with. I had the occasional friend here and there, but I just felt no desire to socialize. I felt that I was better on my own. It had been proven to me many times before that people weren’t worth getting to know. I had a rough time in school because of my different appearance and musical tastes. I suppose you could say that my people skills definitely needed working on. I hadn’t had many intimate relationships and I hated to go on dates. The lonely life was one that I preferred.
I was walking up and down the aisles, looking past the artists that I knew too well. Whose album would I buy today? I was always up for experimentation, always looking for new music to get into. It was my escape from the world I had grown to dislike too much. I stopped at the new wave section and began filing through CDs, looking for an artist I’d never heard of. I was humming to myself, minding my own business when I felt a sharp tap to my shoulder. I turned around and met a pair of glittering green eyes, teamed with a delicate, friendly face. Before I could really think of anything, she began to speak.
“Hi! Need any help?” she asked in a cheery tone. She was so loud, so peppy. My eyes widened and I actually wanted to laugh at her.
“Um, no… but thanks.” I said quietly, turning back around to the CDs. She tapped my shoulder again and I quickly looked back, slightly annoyed to see her still smiling at me.
“Because I know all about new wave. It’s my addiction. I’m new here. My name is Rayne.” she said, taking my hand before I could extend it myself and shaking it. I shook back weakly, staring at her in an odd manner. She was very eccentric, very lively. It annoyed me. I really wanted her to just leave me alone.
“Well, Rayne, thank you, but I don’t need any help.” I said, offering a polite but stern smile. Before I could even turn back, she stepped right in front of me, blocking my view of the CDs.
“Are you sure?” she asked, her very happy voice beginning to really irritate me.
“Positive.” I grunted.
“Are you really positive?”
“Yes! Go away!”
“Because we had this new Pixies vinyl come in. I think you’d like it.”
I had to admit, that caught my attention.
“A Pixies vinyl?” I asked.
“Mmm-hmm. Kinda rare. We keep it in the back. Wanna take a look at it?”
I looked Rayne in her eyes, wondering how one person could be as joyful about something as simple as helping a customer out. She seemed positively enthralled in making me happy and she didn’t even know who I was. Such compassion was foreign to me. I took note of her blissful face, her lips upturned in a bright smile. Honestly, I just couldn’t say no to that face.
“Sure. Let’s see it.” I said, sighing. Rayne grinned and walked past me to head to the back of the store. She returned a few moments later with the vinyl in her hands, looking as happy as ever.
“It’s used, but the condition is really great. I bet you’re gonna want to listen to it anyway.” Rayne said, handing me the record. I looked down and smiled to myself. It was definitely something I’d been looking for.
“Okay, I’ll take it.” I said, handing it back to her.
“Awesome, I’ll ring you up over here.” Rayne said, walking over to the counter. I followed her, shaking my head to myself. I really needed to learn to actually let people help me sometimes. As Rayne was doing all the registering needs, I was looking at a display of small switchblades for sell. I was a hardcore kid back then and I had always wanted a switchblade. These had great designs and colors on them. I picked one up that had a crimson handle with black flames etched on it. I flicked it open, admiring the sharp clean blade. I snapped it closed and placed it on the counter.
“Can I have the blade, too?” I asked.
“Yeah, sure. Your total is gonna be $40.67.”
I gave her the money and watched as she returned my change. She handed me all my things in a bag and smiled again.
“Thanks a lot.” I said, offering a small wave and turning to leave. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned to face her, an inquisitive look on my face. What was she going to say now?
“Hey, I never caught your name.” she said, smirking.
“Oh, it’s Gerard”
“Nice to meet you, Gerard. I’ll be seeing you again soon.” Rayne told me. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at her strangely.
“What do you mean?” I asked. Rayne grinned again before she turned around to walk away.
“Just a feeling.” she said over her shoulder.
I went home confused and touched in a way. I couldn’t explain why, but somehow Rayne had left an impression on me. On my walk home, all I could think about were the things she said to me, the way she smiled, and her last remark. Maybe she meant that she would see me in the record store again? I didn’t know, but whatever it was really made me think. Not only that, but I felt rather foolish for being so stuck on someone I had only known for about ten minutes. Still, that didn’t stop her face from haunting my mind. She was nice looking… she had beautiful eyes and a nice voice.
When I arrived home, the first thing I wanted to do was listen to my new record. I went over to my record player and took the vinyl out of the bag. As I slowly slid the black disc out of the packages, a small piece of paper fluttered to the floor. I bent down to pick it up when I noticed writing on the other side. I flipped it over, reading what it said.
“Don’t you want to find out how I knew you liked the Pixies? Discuss it during dinner?
Sincerely,
Rayne”
Her message was followed by a phone number. My heart made a jump and I placed the paper down on my coffee table, shaking my head. No way. She was way too peculiar and hyper for me. I would want to kill her in a heart beat. Plus, dating really wasn’t my thing.
I had to admit, the whole thing had me really confused. It was just one of those weird things that become stuck in your head, like a stranger who smiles at you on the street or when spot a friend you haven’t seen in a long time. I tried to put it behind me, tried to forget about the note and just listen to my music. She wasn’t my type, I wasn’t into dating, and I wasn’t looking for a new friend. I tried to stop thinking about about how her statement about seeing me soon and how she seemed to know so much about me regardless of the few words that I had spoken to hier. She was probably just some weird girl, anyway. Not even worth my time.
The paper with her number stayed on my coffee table for a week. Even though I decided not to call her and forget that I ever met her, I didn’t have the heart to throw it away. I would stare it whenever I watched TV, ate breakfast, listened to music, and read. I stared at it so often that I even had his number memorized. It would randomly come to me during the oddest moments, like when I was in the shower or when I was about to fall asleep. It was down right annoying, but pretty soon I actually wanted to call her. I would constantly replay our scene together in my head, sometimes smiling to myself at how adorable she seemed. I didn’t even want to go into the record store because I was nervous about seeing her again. It was amazing how sprung I was.
Finally, two weeks after I first met Rayne, I stared at her number again and picked up the phone next to me. I quickly dialed the memorized numbers and waited quietly while it rang. I was suddenly very nervous, very anxious. What was I going to say? Was I really going to ask her out on a date? She picked up the phone and I had to clear my throat to talk.
“Hey, Rayne? This is Gerard.” I said. I heard her chuckle softly on the other end.
“About time! I was waiting for you to call me.”
I bit my lip, at a loss for what to say.
“You there?” she asked after a moment.
“Yeah… it’s just… you want to go to dinner… or something?”
“I sure would. Friday night sound good? You pick the place.” she said
“Yeah, that’s actually perfect. I’ll call back with details.”
“Sounds great. I’ll talk to you later then?”
“Absolutely. Bye, Rayne.”
“Bye.”
It was as simple as that… it’s amazing how things are just so complicated now…
*
I approached her complex and made my way up to her apartment. I went up these cold metal stairs at least three times every single day. It took twelve steps, a turn, and then another twelve to get to her door. Her apartment became my second home, if not my first. I could have sworn that I was at her place more often than mine. The hollow clangs of my feet against the cold metal steps became a sound too familiar to me, the graffiti on the walls that I saw every day became images embedded into my mind. Much like Rayne and her medicine, this was a daily routine for me. We both were living our lives as automated schedules. Every single day was like the same pantomime to be played out in the same formation.
Her door came into sight and I took my keys out of my pocket. I balanced the bag of food on my knee and slid the key in the lock. Her door was a little tough and I would always have to turn the key back and forth before it would open.
One turn. Second turn. Push the door open with my foot and I’m in.
Her apartment was dark and very icy. It looked like night time in there compared to the bright day outside. I sighed despairingly and set all of my things on the floor. Just a regular day in the life of Rayne. She was probably sitting in a corner, pondering about the days she’s lost and the life that she used to live. Leave it up to her to be so pessimistic.
“Rayne?” I called, removing my jacket and tossing it over her arm chair. My eyes were slowly adjusting to the dark and I was looking for her shape in the living room, roaming over all the corners and all over the floor.
“Rayne? I brought your lunch.” I said, continuing looking around. My eyes settled on the huge bay window that was in the back of the room. The dark curtains were drawn shut, cutting out any light that could’ve brightened up the room. A small crack of sun filtered through where the curtains met and I could see the outline of her frail shape sitting in front of it. I sighed again and walked forward, staring at her back. She had lost so much weight recently. She was sitting cross legged, staring at the black nothing in front of him.
“Rayne… it’s freezing in here… and let in some light, it’s a gorgeous day.” I sternly pointed out, reaching past him to throw the curtains open. I looked down and saw my pale love, clenching her eyes shut at the sudden appearance of light. I smiled softly and bent my head down to kiss her forehead. She didn’t acknowledge the gesture. She never does. I ran my hands through her hair, rubbing her scalp softly. She used to have it dyed and in a mohawk. Now it was just her natural brown and messy. She had a blanket wrapped around her and the sun made her green eyes sparkle. Her once lively eyes…
“How are you feeling today?” I asked, pulling the blanket around her tighter, making sure that his chest was nice and covered.
“Like absolute shit. What else is new?” she replied in a monotone voice. Nothing that I wasn’t used to.
“I brought your favorite, a sandwich from the vegan restaurant that you love so much.” I told her, turning around to get the food that I had brought her.
“I hate that place.” she whispered.
“No, you don’t, you love it. We used to go there all time.”
“Do I have to take my medicine today?” she asked.
“As always, Rayne.”
This was normal conversation. She would claim to hate the food I brought her, although I only pick the places that she loves the most. She wouldn’t want to take the medicine. I replied with the same answer every day.
I came back with his sandwich and food for myself. I sat next to her closely, missing the feel of her body. We used to cuddle together all the time in front of this very window, looking over the same view of the blue bay. We loved to watch the boats race by and the people walking below. Rayne made me admire the simple things like that. Now, she just stared off at the sky, ignoring all the life below him. I put her sandwich and plate in front of her and she stared at it for a moment before picking it up to begin eating it.
“Did you sleep well last night?” I inquired, taking a bite out of my own sandwich.
“Surprisingly, yes.” she said after swallowing.
“Good, good. The more sleep you get, the more strength you’ll have in the day.”
“I suppose so… I started to write something today.”
I smiled, looking at her. Rayne doing something productive? That’s something I haven’t seen in a long time. She used to love writing and painting. She hadn’t done anything like that in a long time. It was a very good sign.
“Really? What is it?” I asked.
She shrugged, putting his half finished sandwich back on the plate.
“Nothing special. I guess you could call it a journal. I just write about random things.”
“That sounds interesting. Will I ever be able to read it?” I asked. To see what was on Rayne’s mind would be miraculous. She never let me in on her thoughts anymore. I was always left to guessing about everything. She stayed silent for a moment, pondering her answer.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” she said quietly, staring off into the bay again.
“Maybe?”
“When I’m dead.”
I swallowed my food and stared at her. Sometimes the things that came out of her mouth shocked me… left me completely speechless. She shouldn’t have been talking like that. I hated it whenever she mentioned death, absolutely hated it. It wasn’t something that I wanted to hear and she knew it. I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say to that. What can you say to something like that? I put my food down and got up, leaving her to her morbid thoughts. I returned with a small plastic case filled with all her medication and a glass of water.
“I don’t want to take them.” she said in a strong voice.
“You have to.”
“I don’t want to.” she said more sternly.
“Rayne! I’m not going to fight you on this, you have to.”
“You say that every single day…” she muttered.
“Yeah, and you always end up taking the pills anyway. You have to take them, they’re going to make you feel better.” I exclaimed, really beginning to get angry. Why could she just not fight with me for once?
“What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway.”
I suddenly threw the case onto the floor, gritting my teeth. Rayne winced and looked up at me. I was breathing heavily, not even daring to look at her. It was too painful to look at her. I hated the person she had become. I was soon growing sick of this daily routine. I was really tiring from it all. The same things were said every single day, the same tones used, the same hopes and dreams destroyed. It never used to be like this. Our days were filled with warmth and love. Now, it was just priorities. Rayne continued to stare at me, probably feeling bad for hurting me. I didn’t care if she felt bad. I just didn’t care anymore.
“Just… take your medication, please. Do it for me. For once, just do something for me.” I whispered in a trembling voice, closing my eyes.
Rayne sighed, slowly taking the glass of water out of my hand. She popped open the case and starting putting pills into her mouth and swallowing some water. I finally looked down, making sure she took each one. She made a sickened face after swallowing her last one and handed me the glass of water.
“Thank you. Now, I’m going back to work. I’ll be back at night to give you your dinner, okay?” I said, walking away.
“Okay.”
I picked up my jacket and put it on before looking back at Rayne. She went back to staring at the bay, though she probably wasn’t registering anything that she was looking. It really pained me to watch.
“I’ll see you tonight.” I said, opening the door and stepping out. Rayne said nothing.
“I love you.” I called out. Rayne said nothing.
As I turned my back to leave I could hear her drawing her curtains shut again. I closed the door behind me and collapsed with my back against it, sliding down on to sit on the floor. I exhaled a long, shaky breath that I’d been holding in for too long. God, it killed me to see her like that. I wanted my old Rayne back. I knew I had to be strong for her, I had to be supporting her but it was just so hard sometimes. I wondered if she still loved me at all, if Rayne even understood just how much she hurt me when she ignored me. I knew that it wasn’t entirely her fault, but couldn’t she just pretend to be happy?
No, she couldn’t pretend. That was my job. Rayne was the reality. I was the fantasy.
Pick yourself up, Gerard. Be tough. This is your life now. You were never supposed to be happy anyway.
I listened to my words and stood up on shaky legs. I breathed for a moment, clearing my mind and calming myself down. It was time to live life. I straightened out my clothes, smoothed my hair, and began my decent down those cold metal stairs. I would come back up these stairs in a few hours anyway, come back to Rayne, feed her, fight her on her medicine and force her to take them. Nothing’s changed, nothing will change, and this is how it will all end.
This was my life, after all.
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