Categories > Original > Drama

Mindless Thoughts

by nahgiemecra 0 reviews

Just thought on some of the problems I am facing in life and my thought on them. It helps me vent when I write. Some chapters late may contain language or emoness, be warned.

Category: Drama - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst - Published: 2008-07-24 - Updated: 2008-07-24 - 527 words

I don’t know what it is, I get this feeling that if my life was more physically trying that it would be easier. My metal stability wavers and never settles for long. What is it, is my body just naturally stronger than my mind or do I just have a weak mind period. Was it the effect of some negative treatment as a child I am yet unaware of. Could it be that I am just seeking attention for my mental illnesses, or mentally induced problems, or am I just making myself think I am ill because my body secretly wishes to kill itself from an illness that is a figment of my imagination.
Is it possible for a person to truly be filled with such longing for something they cannot have that they malnourish themselves mentally and eventually end up with a malnourished body. Can it be that out of want of attention I make myself ill to make others notice or feel pity. Could I actually really wish to be bedridden with a mortal disease and then die to leave others in guilt. How do I know that they will feel guilt, if they don’t care for me now then why would they care later. I should just care for myself and do my personal best to live. If I am meant to die then I will pass away at the hands of anything but myself.
My life is hard but I take pride in my physical strength, I love to watch and feel my muscle move as I work, even if I am a girl. I take pride I my scars more than any man I know. I like to be able to say, :hey look what I went through and I’m still here.” Even then I don’t appreciate the way others see me as their personal slave. Do this do that, what for, why me, because your stronger and know how. I enjoy being strong enough to care for myself and I take pride in being able to be work hard for myself! Key word myself, my muscles are to do the hard work that I see fit too do that I will benefit from. That may be selfish you say, but if you have an undamaged body you should have muscles too to do the work for yourself, not be selfish and save all the relaxation time for yourself. How dare you make another do work when you are just as capable. If you are somehow unable to do the work because of a disability then yes by all means call for help, you deserve to be cared for but do what you can for yourself anyways, it will help you feel good to be able to look at something and say, “hey, that’s what I did, looks good doesn’t it?”
“These are thoughts from the problems I face, thinking I’m ill when I am not, being strong physically but hating how I do everything around the house for everyone else. Wanting things to change but no matter how hard I try they won’t.
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