FicWad

My encounter with him started on the first day of my junior high school life. I was arranged to sit in front with him by my homeroom teacher due to my short stature. I still remember how reluctant I was to move to my new seat as I wanted to sit with my friend from elementary school - classes are boring when you don't have a friend to talk to. The thought of me sitting with a guy made my face hot, as I'm a really shy person who is bad around guys. At least during the initial period. I didn't talk to him for the entire time before recess, because I know I would definitely trip over my words.

I got to know his name when the teacher asked us to do a self-introduction - Kevin. He was even chosen as the assistant class rep. Only then did I take a good look at his face, and found out that he was rather good-looking, but thought that he should lose the baby fat. Not that I shouldn't, either.

He was the first one to strike up a conversation. I don't remember what we talked about, but I know that I kept averting his gaze because I couldn't help blushing when I looked at him. I know it's rude if you don't look at a person while they're talking, but it was a knee-jerk reaction. Nevertheless, Kevin was the first friend I made in junior high.

The frequency of conversation between us increased as time passed. He would take off my glasses and put it on for fun, and I would tease him for looking silly. Well, he looks better without spectacles anyway, at least not with my nerdy-looking ones.

Kevin and I are total opposites. I'm everything he's not, and vice versa. I was, or at least, used to be polite, but his sentences are always peppered with vulgar language. The bad influence rubbed off on me soon enough and I was swearing away at every sentence as well, to the displeasure of my friends. I always finish my homework on time, but he never completes his homework, except for English. Hence, I suddenly became his "homework provider" and he was my "homework photocopier". Strangely enough, I never did mind him doing that even though I'm a person who really dislikes people copying my homework back then. In addition, he's a social butterfly. He always migrates to other places to talk to our classmates, wherever there was a vacancy. Mostly girls. I, on the other hand, am a very quiet person who seldom talks in class unless there is a need to, and was glued to the chair for almost the entire day. Whenever he wasn't sitting next to me, trying hard to get me to talk to him, I would feel rather sour inside and will always turn my head around to look for him.

One day, my best friend, Tanya, suddenly asked me a question, "Hey Christine, are you having a crush on Kevin?" I immediately turned pale.

"Wh... what are you talking about? I would never like him. He's such a bully, and he always goes around flirting with girls. Why are you asking me this?" I vehemently denied it.

"Nothing. It's just that I always hear you talking about him. Besides, I can see everything that's going on between the both of you from way behind here. I noticed that you're always happy when he's talking to you, even if he was teasing you, and your face turns sour when he mingles with other girls in the class."

She hit the bull's-eye. Then again, I was never sure of my feelings for him in the first place. I've never felt this way before towards a guy. I was so confused that I couldn't sleep that night, but on the next day, I decided not to think about Tanya's question. "Let the future unfold on its own." I said to myself.

*

That day was vividly imprinted in my mind. One of my classmates had his seat changed by the homeroom teacher, as he was constantly chatting with the girl who sits next to him, even during lessons. Kevin suddenly asked whether he could change his seat as well, with a plump classmate of mine, Simon.

I don't know what prompted him to do so, but when the homeroom teacher agreed to his request, I felt like my whole world crumbled to pieces. I was on the verge of crying, but held my tears back as hard as I could. After all, it would seem weird if I were to cry just because my long-time partner-in-crime in the class switched places with someone else.

That was when I realised I was deeply in love with the same guy whom I've always complained about.

"Why did you offer to switch places?" I asked Kevin while he was busy packing his belongings to shift.

"Just felt like it."

Those words pierced my heart like a thousand needles. While his new seat was just two rows behind mine, it felt like he was halfway across the world. I had never felt so crestfallen before. How should I approach him without looking like I liked him now? My head hung low while the question kept playing in my mind. My vision started to blur as big fat drops of tears soaked through the pages of my notebook that lay open on the desk.

"Hey Christine!" Kevin called me during the period interchange.

"What?" I turned around, anticipating for a teasing remark. True enough, it came.

"Why aren't you talking to Simon? Aren't you always talking during lessons when I'm sitting with you? What, you're missing me already?"

I felt my cheeks turning hot. He hit the jackpot. It hasn't even been two hours since we were separated, and I'm already longing to talk to him. How am I supposed to survive these three months until the year-end school holidays?

"Who's the one missing who now, huh? Have you forgotten the fact that you're the one who talks to me first during lessons all the time? Whether or not I talk to Simon is none of your freaking business." I retorted, and refocused my attention on the book I was reading. I'm not sure whether I was seeing things, but I thought he looked down when I asked him to mind his own business.

*

When I saw the distribution of classes the following year, I felt a lump in my throat. I wasn't placed in the same class with Kevin. He was in a better class than I was, even though I was always placed above him in both the exams during first year. Yes, I was feeling bitter at the injustice, but I was more worried about the relationship between us. It's even harder for me to approach him when we're in different classes. I couldn't help but worry that there would be an invisible wall between us.

However, I was over the moon when I returned to class on the first day of the new school year. A twist of fate made sure that Kevin's class was right next to mine - it wasn't the norm of my school to not follow the sequence of classes. When he saw me, he immediately walked over and messed my hair up.

"Still so short, huh Christine?" he said with a smirk on his face.

"It's just that you've had a growth spurt. Get your hands off my head." I said, as I shoved his hands off. Secretly, I was happy to see him after a lapse of two agonizing months, and glad that I could feel the warmth of his hands again, though brief. But I didn't let my happiness show.

"As impolite as ever, I see."

"Whose fault do you think it is?" I glared at him. Can't believe that he actually forgot that he was the one who influenced me so much in such a short amount of time.

"How should I know?" came the reply.

That was the last straw. I stomped on his left foot as hard as I could and stormed into the classroom immediately. It was hilarious to see him clutching his foot, hopping around in pain outside. When he looked in my direction, I stuck out my tongue at him and looked out through the window beside me. He deserved such treatment for being an ass in the first place.

Then, Megan - a friend from a society I joined and my new classmate - dropped an atomic bomb on me. "You like that guy, don't you?"

She actually found out to that extent by just observing our little "war". Is it that obvious? Well, that's what I want to ask her, but I know how much of a loudmouth she is. If I admitted my feelings for Kevin, all of our acquaintances - or worse, the whole school - would know of it. There's no doubt about it. The thought of being teased by everyone till I have to look for a hole to hide in made me cringe in fear. Hence, like the time Tanya asked me the same question, I kept on denying it.

It took me a long time to convince her that I wasn't having a crush on Kevin, though the opposite was true. I was so mentally exhausted after that ordeal I decided not to talk to Kevin whenever Megan was around. While I know that a gap would exist between Kevin and I if I took that course of action, I had no choice. I don’t want anyone to know that I like him, especially not Megan.

It was hard to ignore him. Not when he frequently comes to my class to chat with his fellow scouts, and come mess with me once in a while. He was also constantly standing outside my classroom during recess, waiting for me to come out. He had ulterior motives, of course - to tease me as usual. I once had a hunch that he was trying to get closer to me, but shrugged it off.

"He's just treating me as his plaything. There's no way he would think of me as more than a friend," I thought.

Perhaps Kevin had the impression that I was ignoring him because I hated him for always bullying me. He gave up his antics a few months later. I felt hollow inside from the sudden lack of attention from him. That made me want to see him even more than usual that it was practically killing me. But I couldn't seem to find him anywhere, and I gave up.

*

The next time I saw him, he was walking out of the school with a girl from his class. The distance between them was so small that I immediately had a nagging suspicion that they were an item. This time round, I felt even worse than the time I found out that we were placed in different classes. I was flustered. However, my mind quashed my heart's doubts - there's no hardcore evidence that they were going out anyway.

Of course, I was looking at the scenario through a rose-tinted glass - only what I wanted to believe. Anna, a classmate of Kevin's, finally woke me up from my dream. She told me that Kevin and the girl were indeed going out. It dawned on me that it was too late. That night, I buried my face in my pillow, and cried myself to sleep.

Days later, I figured out that crying wasn't going to solve anything. I can't turn back time, so I decided to walk behind him after school every day. It was the only time I could see him, although I had to endure the pain of seeing him chatting happily with his girlfriend while I walk alone, with my head drooped low. It was better than nothing. Every day, I wished that I was the one walking beside him, but I know it will never come true.

However happy they may be, their relationship didn't last. A month later, it was over between them. While I was happy at the thought that I might be able to get close to him again, I was also upset at the same time. I found out from his classmates that the girl dumped him, and hurt him really badly. Every time I saw him, he wore a sad expression on his face. Sometimes he smiled and laughed, but I know he was forcing himself to do so - I know him well enough to notice instantly. It pains me so much to see him like this so I comforted him a couple of times, but try as I may, I couldn't mend his broken heart.

The helpless feeling kills.

*

In the final year of junior high, I returned to the ranks of the academic elites, thanks to the fact that I topped my class all the time in sophomore year. He, on the other hand, was demoted. Like always, I was upset that we weren't in the same class again. What made it worse was the sick reality that our classes were on different floors. We practically might not have any chances to meet each other, except in the cafeteria and after school.

Nevertheless, with my quick thinking, I found a way to see him every day. His class was conveniently situated near the stairs that leads to the girl's washroom. Although there was a washroom right below my classroom, I decided to take the longer route - all for the sake of taking a glimpse of him. I've learned to be satisfied by just seeing him.

During recess, I looked for all sorts of excuses to go to his class. I occasionally went to look for my friends, Tanya, whom I had club duties with every week, and also Sophie, whom I had grown to be rather close friends with since freshman year. Much to my joy, Kevin forgot all about the cold shoulder I gave him previously. Despite the fact that I still don't like him bullying me all the time, I was glad that we were talking again. And that alone is pure bliss for me.

*

Finally, I couldn't hold in my feelings any longer. Seeing that there were positive vibes between us, I decided to muster my courage to confess to him. But some words aren't that easy to convey, especially "I love you". I had to think a lot before I took action, like considering the worst case scenario where at the exact moment when I confessed to him, our friendship would end right away. The thought of it made me want to give up, but still, I marched on stubbornly.

I don't know what got into me, but I chose a really weird day to come clean about my crush on Kevin - April Fool's Day. Since I still didn't have the courage to tell him face to face, I decided to do it through ICQ...

"Hey, I've got something to tell you." I typed.

"Yeah?"

"I like you."

"What? Is this an April Fool's joke or something?"

"No, I'm serious. I've liked you since freshman year."

Kevin kept quiet for five whole minutes. He was probably stunned by the words that appeared in his message window. I don't know, since I couldn't see his face. After what seemed like ages, my anxiousness was replaced by the sound of my heart shattering when I read his reply.

"Thanks for your feelings, but I'm sorry. I already have a girlfriend from another school."

Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I thought I had done adequate mental preparations for his rejection, but it seems that it wasn't enough. I was overwhelmed by emotions in a matter of seconds, and disconnected from the Internet immediately. After that confession, my fantasies will truly remain as fantasies until I could get over him and move on.

For weeks to come, I was down-in-the-dumps. My mood was horrible, and I kept snapping at others when they annoy me. Whilst I had a smile plastered on my face all day long, it didn't come from the heart. I had to do so as I didn't want to be pestered by questions that I don't want to answer. Furthermore, I became more introverted and quieter than I ever was, virtually gluing my mouth shut since I lost the will to talk. Lots of my friends noticed the sudden drastic change in my attitude and tried to cheer me up, but I built an invisible wall around myself to prevent the others from prying into my life. I even kept my best friends - whom, to me, are the second most important people in my life - in the dark over the entire matter.

As for Kevin, I tried my best to avoid him. I never walked past his class, and I rushed to my mom's car as fast as I could after school. I didn't have the courage to face him anymore, because I was afraid I would burst into tears the moment I see him.

*

One day, when I was dragging my feet along the corridor, walking towards the school gate, someone suddenly grabbed me by my elbow from behind. When I turned around, I was stunned to see Kevin holding my hand. I could feel that my tear glands were acting up as fear started to take over every corner of my mind. I was so scared to talk to him; I averted his gaze and struggled to free myself from his grasp.

"Christine, look at me!" he pleaded.

"No, let go! Let go of me!" I screamed, as the other students looked at us.

"Just listen to me, please!"

"I don't want to! Let me go! I don't have anything to say to you!" The books in my hand fell to the ground as I tried to clasp my ears shut.

In a moment of desperation, he hugged me tightly, effectively subduing me. My body was too weak to fight back as I was suffering from an illness, but nonetheless, I was so glad to be able to feel the warmth of his body.

"Why are you avoiding me?" he whispered into my ears, voice softening.

"You know the reason perfectly well."

"Look, I'm sorry I couldn't accept your feelings, okay? But you don't have to avoid me like this."

"What else can I talk to you about? I'm too embarrassed to even look at you." I sobbed.

"Well, you shouldn't. It's not your fault. The fault's entirely mine." he said, still hugging me.

"Stop treating me so nicely."

"I mean it. I thought that you hated me because I deliberately bullied you last year. You have no idea how bad I felt when you stopped talking to me. I wanted to apologize, but didn't know how. If only I was brave enough to confess to you during freshman year, I wouldn't have caused you so much pain right now. I'm really sorry."

"What...? What did you say?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I thought that he was pulling my leg again.

"The truth is, I used to like you. That's the reason why I'm always teasing you. But I didn't know you disliked how I was treating you, since you're always laughing even though I was being mean."

I pushed myself away from him, and looked into his eyes. I realized he wasn't lying. A bittersweet feeling arose in my heart.

"Well, can we still be friends?" Kevin smiled softly, and wiped the tears off my cheeks for me. I swear I melted in his smile.

"Sure."

Kevin, being the gentleman I never knew he was, helped me pick up my books that I dropped earlier, and also the papers which I inserted in between the pages of my textbooks. He was even patient enough to help me put them in their rightful places.

In a matter of minutes, everything was reorganized. I reluctantly accepted the remainder of my books from him. It's not always that we get to spend some time like this together, and probably won't have the chance in the future.

As I turned to leave after thanking him, he asked me to wait. I thought I had left something behind, but to my astonishment, he came up to me and gave me a peck on the cheeks. I stared at him wide-eyed, hand clutching the spot he landed his lips on. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that a day like this would come.

"Just thought that would make a perfect apology." He smiled.

"Okay... Well, I've gotta run now. See you around."

I took a tiny glimpse of him while walking out of the school, and saw that he was red-eyed. When he saw me watching him, he immediately turned around and went to the cafeteria. Could it be that he still has some feelings for me? I will never know for sure, as we hardly ever talk anymore.

Like they say, love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with a tear. It's a pity that we had the fate to meet each other, but not the destiny to be together.