FicWad

My Sarah Jane, you were the first to go. You ran off to find your son. I was proud of you; so many humans wouldn’t love anyone who wasn’t their own flesh and blood, but you loved someone who wasn’t even your own species. I thought you were brilliant for that. The way you, who had run so far and so fast, now running back for your adopted son, desperate to keep him safe. And you would! Oh, you would!

But in running towards him you were running away from me; away from the life I could and so gladly would have given you. If only you would stay. I know it’s my own fault. I swept you out of the way and didn’t come back to you. I pushed you to one side, dumped you back on earth and whisked you away from a life you could only dream of now. Because, like it or not, I have been replaced and nothing was going to bring back our friendship to the way it had once been, nothing.

I don’t know what would have happened if I’d run after you. In other alternate realities I'm sure would have but in this one I just couldn’t risk it. Risk the option that you would say yes and, by doing so, bring a child aboard. I won’t travel with children. I’ve tried and all it does is put their lives in danger.

I shouldn’t have let you go though. But I had to, because you still cared.

Martha Jones. Doctor Martha Jones. It was an official UNIT title now. You were a soldier, a scientist, bound by oath to defend the earth at all costs, even to the point of madness. I can’t describe my feelings as I watched you walk away. I was too confused but I knew I wouldn’t see you again, I just knew. You would be dead in four days.

And I shouldn’t have let you go. I killed you.

Mickey Smith. You walked away because you couldn’t bear to return to a world where everyone you loved was dead apart from the woman who was with another man. You wanted to make something of your life, start over, and begin again. And I respected you for that. Because you, Mickey the idiot, is putting in the effort and making a change. That was something I could never do willingly, change.

And I shouldn’t have let you go because of that. You could have taught me something.

Captain Jack Harkness. A smile and a laugh was how we greeted and that was how we said goodbye. I know we’ll meet again. We’ll always again. You’ll probably outlive me, the way things are going. I find that comforting because in some small measure, I'm not alone when you’re with me. Because you’re a constant in a universe of madness, a fixed point in time and space, a fact, solid and real. And that’s never going to change.

So I shouldn’t have let you go. Because you are the only one stronger than me.

Donna Noble. The one hundred words per minute temp. And yet so much more. A bright face, an alive personality, a-never-gonna-back-down attitude and a really good slap. And unbelievably brave. You became a time lady for me. You sacrificed it all, threw away everything you knew and still stood tall. A mighty human. A rock. Donna Noble.

You reminded me so much of Jamie and Zoe. How their memories had been wiped for their own protection and how they had been thrown back into their own time lines, unknowing of the wonders the universe had to offer. It was cruel I knew. But I refuse to compare myself to other time lords. I wasn’t killing you but helping you survive. I was giving you life.

I had no choice but to let you go. If I hadn’t you would have gone mad.

Myself. But somehow not. I could tell for the humans around us it was confusing. But to me it was simply like meeting one of my other regenerations. Me but just a bit different. That was how I could describe him. Different.

He was a simple human. He could live the life I had always wanted. He could have Rose. He had won all this by committing genocide. And I hated him.

I was glad to let him go. I had no wish to be reminded of my past.

Rose Tyler. Bad Wolf. The girl with golden hair and fire in her eyes. A compassion to the lonely god. I could tell you a million names which Rose could go by. My saviour, humanity’s hope, a light in the dark. All of them good. All of them strong. All of the golden. All of them fantastic!

You were more than a mere human companion, especially to me. You turned out to be so much more than just the latest in long line. Or just the girl on the bus eating the chips. Oh yes, you were much more. My love for you had always been there. It just needed shape, form, a body to exist in. But when I saw you kiss HIM that part of me wavered. I knew I would never intervene but I wanted to so badly. Instead I turned and walked away. I stepped inside my Tardis and I ran.

I shouldn’t have. I should have run back to you. I should have been able to be what you needed. I should have been able to say it. But I couldn’t. I never could.

I shouldn’t have let you go.

I’m all alone now.