Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance
This is a story to let you all know how it feels when you have a panic attack. I’m writing this because my “doctor” (I really rather hate my doctors) wants to take me off any and all anxiety medication I'm on. Which I think is stupid beyond belief, if you have panic attacks or depression I sympathize with you and I hope you get the best care and help for them. You shouldn’t be given this perfect cure for your health then have it taken away just because “they” don’t like you to be on it for too long. Don’t even try doing any of this shit at home. DO NOT SELF MEDICATE, it never ends well for the lab rats.
Xanax…
**
Gerard rolled over in his bed, his arm was tucked under his body and legs twisted in the blankets. He groaned rubbing his eyes to look at the small alarm clock over his nightstand. It blinked 4 15 am in the multi changing lights. He turned back to his side pulling his arm under his head and tugged the sheets to get his legs free.
Only two hours of sleep so far. He would need another three just to keep the sickness away.
He stared at the wall for a few minutes counting slowly from one to a hundred then back. When that didn’t help he calmed his breathing as much as he could and started thinking of the last book he read. How the first chapter went, how the characters looked, how the next chapter went.
He was on his other side this time, light peaking in around the curtains. “Ugh” he reached up fumbling before feeling the clock and pulled it into his line of vision. 530Am. What a horrible time of day. He set the clock back on its stand and rubbed his face. Just one more hour would be fine. One more hour.
An acidy burn crept its way up his throat and he had to swallow it back with discuss. ‘One more hour and everyone will be up’. His back hurt and a pain mysteriously moved from his lower back to just behind his shoulder. All the dull throbs and aches that are normally ignored in life were hitting at the same time. He shifted on his bed turning to his back again and pulled the pillow under his head.
The aches started to hurt more and more until he couldn’t stand it. He sat up grabbing his jeans from the floor and pulled out his cigarettes and lighter. When he threw back the covers the room felt a lot colder then it had a moment ago. He pulled the jeans on as a second thought and walked over to his window pushing the screen out and leaning out with window as he lit his cigarette.
The sky was still dark, that nice pink color that makes you wonder if there was just a nuclear war and no one had notified you. The wind was almost noon existent and small specks of rain dripped from the radioactive clouds. They felt warm as they stuck to his arms and face. He leaned out further resting the smoke between his lips to feel the rain. There are so few pleasures in life. And people rarely enjoy them. Just the feeling of the warm rain and the sounds of almost silence were heaven.
He climbed out the window sitting down before lying back against the curve of the window.
*
some time around seven Frankie wondered upstairs in search of a smoke. He finished off his own pack and knew Gerard would have one he could bum. He pushed the door open “Gerard?” the bed was empty and the alarm clock was going off. He turned it off and looked over at the open window. It wasn’t uncommon for Gerard to be up all night and usually he snuck out the window instead of going downstairs to smoke. Frankie stepped out on the roof and spied his friend on his side with a cigarette burned down to its filter between his fingers. He knelt next to him pulling the burnt cigarette but from his fingers and tossing it over the edge of the roof. “Get up man” he managed out between chattering teeth.
“GERARD GET YOUR ASS UP NOW” he pulled his jacket off and threw it on the singer’s chest.
Gerard sat up slowly rubbing his eyes and groaning. He touched his forehead and pulled his hand away quickly almost fully awake as he stared at two small blisters between his pointer and middle finger. He noticed something on his chest and stared up holding the cloth in his hand as he just realized he wasn’t alone. Frankie was tucking his hands under his crossed arms and shivering in a t shirt and ripped jeans. He shook his head feeling stupid as he held the coat back out to frank. “Sorry, I guess I fell asleep when I was smoking.” he shook his hair from his eyes and noticed it was wet.
“Yeah well you didn’t set the house on fire so, no big.” Frankie smirked climbing back inside the window and grabbed a towel off the floor wiping the dew/ morning sprinkle from his arms. Gerard climbed in after him and grabbed the towel wiping his face dry. He still was tired but it was a never ending tired. No matter how many hours he slept he always felt tired and just wanted to sleep. Even if every time he tried it would only lead to nights awake online or typing away on his laptop. He started gathering stuff up knowing later tonight he would get some sleep.
It was usually once a week that he just shut down. He could even try to stay up and it wouldn’t happen. Night after night of being awake wishing for sleep or passing the time would finally catch up and his tired mind finally shut everything down allowing him some kind of sleep. It wasn’t restful but it keeps him going another week.
“We are doing a breakfast run; do you want bob to bring anything back?” Frankie was over by the door shuffling from one foot to the other with his hands in his pockets. He was doing that annoying worry thing again. Making sure he had enough food and sleep when it wasn’t like that stuff could be controlled anyway.
In hindsight he should have just stayed quiet. Maybe sneak into the shower and close the door or pretend he didn’t hear. But he didn’t. “For the hundredth time Frankie I’m not fuckin hungry.” he watched Frankie seem to shrink in front of him and immediately felt bad. It wasn’t the kids fault he was cranky he just was sick of making up excuses for not eating in the morning. “I’m sorry frank I just mean ill grab something here.”
Frankie was already heading to the door keeping his head down like a beat dog. “Its ok, you just woke up. Ill get something for later alright.” he didn’t wait for an answer before closing the door behind him hurrying out of the room.
If that doesn’t make you feel like a jack ass what does.
He managed to bitch out his best friend, the only person who seemed to give a shit about him, and it had only been two minutes since he woke up. Gerard rolled his eyes pulling his jeans off realizing how wet they had gotten. Maybe it actually rained this morning or maybe he slept longer then him though. Neither mattered as he gathered clothes off the floor still clean enough to wear again and headed into the bathroom turning the shower on as hot as it could go.
**
***
The day didn’t start well and it wouldn’t go well at all.
The shower ran cold after only a few relaxing minutes of heat and rather then suffer through the cold he held his head under the faucet washing off any remaining soap and dried off. When he reached for the “clean” clothes on the floor he noticed a new hole in his jeans and the zipper to his favorite jacket was off its track. He pulled a comb through his hair and threw the towels on the bathroom floor. The universe it seemed had a vendetta against him today.
He searched his room for his I pod and glared at the broken ear bud tossing the whole thing over his shoulder and walking downstairs far later then he would have liked. The kitchen smelled of coffee and burn toast and sun was blazing in lighting the room. He blindly reached for a coffee cup from the sink and rinsed it out grabbing the coffee pot which had long gone cold. A minute in the microwave and almost as much sugar in his cup as coffee and it was barley drinkable.
The front door slammed shut and loud voices boomed across from the living room. Apparently the guys were home.
“For one he can fly, for two he has that laser eye thing. He’s a freakin alien. How many more reasons do you need?” Frankie was smiling as he walked into the kitchen setting a bag down on the counter.
Bob soon fallowed with three more bags from various fast food places, his voice seemed worn out like he had used this argument on more then one occasion. “Yeah but spidey could just zap a web on him and none of that would matter.”
Frankie rolled his eyes stealing Gerard’s coffee from in front of him. “Come on, man of steel he can break buildings with his hands. Even if Spiderman managed to web him he’d just punch the building behind him and get loose then send that parasite into orbit.” he made a face as he took a sip from the stale sludge of coffee. “Gee this does not taste good at all.”
“Superman wears woman’s underwear.” bob looked a little to smug with his answer.
“Gee did you hear him, the blasphemy.” he noticed Gerard slumping against his chair his head in his arms and forgot about the debate immediately. “What’s wrong?”
“Jesus cant you two just shut up for one minute. Neither one would win THEY ARE MADE UP. END OF DISCUSSION” he screamed at the pair and walked back upstairs slamming his door. His head kept throbbing with the tale tale signs of an approaching headache. Without thinking his hands started scavenging across his desk looking for any pill containers he may have left out. There was a neat heart shaped box full of old bottles long empty and currently stashing anything he didn’t want anyone knowing about. Condoms decorated the left side while a few old depression bottles held different types of weed. As well as an e bomb or two in the old effexor bottles. His hands started opening the bottles spilling pink pills across his palm only to put them back and pull another open, containing small white tablets.
thump… thump…. thump
There was always pot if it came down to it but he was more scatter brained then he cared to be at the moment. Getting that kind of high wasn’t to appealing at the moment. He finally found a bottle with two small peach colored pills at the bottom. Bingo.
Thump… thump… thump
One pill went back into the bottle for safe keeping and the other was put on his desk while he looked for something to cut it with. His chest started to pound and his brain kept screaming at him like a hundred voices were inside all speaking at once. As he searched for a knife of some sort the voices got louder. The idea of death kept rising to the top of his mind.
Thump thump… thump thump
His heart squeezed itself uncomfortably and his breathing started to quicken. ‘Your useless piece of shit look what your doing.’ a pencil and pen were in an old mug he made in high school. The colors around it fading into dull grey like an old black and white TV show. ‘That wont help you any. you feel it coming. You’re going to die.’
Thump thump thump thump thump
“SHUT UP” he screamed into the silent room and pulled the writing utensils out tipping the mug over and searching through loose change and old quarter machine shit. ‘Do you feel it, your heart is stopping’. He brought his hand up quickly to his chest and pressed against his heart trying to feel a beat.
Thump…….. Thump
He grabbed a flattened penny from one of those souvenir places and pushed it down on the middle of his pills cutting it in half quickly. “I’m not dead yet” he practically screamed at the voice in his head and threw the pill in his mouth chewing it up so it would work faster. ‘But you are, your already dead just lie down and die’.
Xanax…
**
Gerard rolled over in his bed, his arm was tucked under his body and legs twisted in the blankets. He groaned rubbing his eyes to look at the small alarm clock over his nightstand. It blinked 4 15 am in the multi changing lights. He turned back to his side pulling his arm under his head and tugged the sheets to get his legs free.
Only two hours of sleep so far. He would need another three just to keep the sickness away.
He stared at the wall for a few minutes counting slowly from one to a hundred then back. When that didn’t help he calmed his breathing as much as he could and started thinking of the last book he read. How the first chapter went, how the characters looked, how the next chapter went.
He was on his other side this time, light peaking in around the curtains. “Ugh” he reached up fumbling before feeling the clock and pulled it into his line of vision. 530Am. What a horrible time of day. He set the clock back on its stand and rubbed his face. Just one more hour would be fine. One more hour.
An acidy burn crept its way up his throat and he had to swallow it back with discuss. ‘One more hour and everyone will be up’. His back hurt and a pain mysteriously moved from his lower back to just behind his shoulder. All the dull throbs and aches that are normally ignored in life were hitting at the same time. He shifted on his bed turning to his back again and pulled the pillow under his head.
The aches started to hurt more and more until he couldn’t stand it. He sat up grabbing his jeans from the floor and pulled out his cigarettes and lighter. When he threw back the covers the room felt a lot colder then it had a moment ago. He pulled the jeans on as a second thought and walked over to his window pushing the screen out and leaning out with window as he lit his cigarette.
The sky was still dark, that nice pink color that makes you wonder if there was just a nuclear war and no one had notified you. The wind was almost noon existent and small specks of rain dripped from the radioactive clouds. They felt warm as they stuck to his arms and face. He leaned out further resting the smoke between his lips to feel the rain. There are so few pleasures in life. And people rarely enjoy them. Just the feeling of the warm rain and the sounds of almost silence were heaven.
He climbed out the window sitting down before lying back against the curve of the window.
*
some time around seven Frankie wondered upstairs in search of a smoke. He finished off his own pack and knew Gerard would have one he could bum. He pushed the door open “Gerard?” the bed was empty and the alarm clock was going off. He turned it off and looked over at the open window. It wasn’t uncommon for Gerard to be up all night and usually he snuck out the window instead of going downstairs to smoke. Frankie stepped out on the roof and spied his friend on his side with a cigarette burned down to its filter between his fingers. He knelt next to him pulling the burnt cigarette but from his fingers and tossing it over the edge of the roof. “Get up man” he managed out between chattering teeth.
“GERARD GET YOUR ASS UP NOW” he pulled his jacket off and threw it on the singer’s chest.
Gerard sat up slowly rubbing his eyes and groaning. He touched his forehead and pulled his hand away quickly almost fully awake as he stared at two small blisters between his pointer and middle finger. He noticed something on his chest and stared up holding the cloth in his hand as he just realized he wasn’t alone. Frankie was tucking his hands under his crossed arms and shivering in a t shirt and ripped jeans. He shook his head feeling stupid as he held the coat back out to frank. “Sorry, I guess I fell asleep when I was smoking.” he shook his hair from his eyes and noticed it was wet.
“Yeah well you didn’t set the house on fire so, no big.” Frankie smirked climbing back inside the window and grabbed a towel off the floor wiping the dew/ morning sprinkle from his arms. Gerard climbed in after him and grabbed the towel wiping his face dry. He still was tired but it was a never ending tired. No matter how many hours he slept he always felt tired and just wanted to sleep. Even if every time he tried it would only lead to nights awake online or typing away on his laptop. He started gathering stuff up knowing later tonight he would get some sleep.
It was usually once a week that he just shut down. He could even try to stay up and it wouldn’t happen. Night after night of being awake wishing for sleep or passing the time would finally catch up and his tired mind finally shut everything down allowing him some kind of sleep. It wasn’t restful but it keeps him going another week.
“We are doing a breakfast run; do you want bob to bring anything back?” Frankie was over by the door shuffling from one foot to the other with his hands in his pockets. He was doing that annoying worry thing again. Making sure he had enough food and sleep when it wasn’t like that stuff could be controlled anyway.
In hindsight he should have just stayed quiet. Maybe sneak into the shower and close the door or pretend he didn’t hear. But he didn’t. “For the hundredth time Frankie I’m not fuckin hungry.” he watched Frankie seem to shrink in front of him and immediately felt bad. It wasn’t the kids fault he was cranky he just was sick of making up excuses for not eating in the morning. “I’m sorry frank I just mean ill grab something here.”
Frankie was already heading to the door keeping his head down like a beat dog. “Its ok, you just woke up. Ill get something for later alright.” he didn’t wait for an answer before closing the door behind him hurrying out of the room.
If that doesn’t make you feel like a jack ass what does.
He managed to bitch out his best friend, the only person who seemed to give a shit about him, and it had only been two minutes since he woke up. Gerard rolled his eyes pulling his jeans off realizing how wet they had gotten. Maybe it actually rained this morning or maybe he slept longer then him though. Neither mattered as he gathered clothes off the floor still clean enough to wear again and headed into the bathroom turning the shower on as hot as it could go.
**
***
The day didn’t start well and it wouldn’t go well at all.
The shower ran cold after only a few relaxing minutes of heat and rather then suffer through the cold he held his head under the faucet washing off any remaining soap and dried off. When he reached for the “clean” clothes on the floor he noticed a new hole in his jeans and the zipper to his favorite jacket was off its track. He pulled a comb through his hair and threw the towels on the bathroom floor. The universe it seemed had a vendetta against him today.
He searched his room for his I pod and glared at the broken ear bud tossing the whole thing over his shoulder and walking downstairs far later then he would have liked. The kitchen smelled of coffee and burn toast and sun was blazing in lighting the room. He blindly reached for a coffee cup from the sink and rinsed it out grabbing the coffee pot which had long gone cold. A minute in the microwave and almost as much sugar in his cup as coffee and it was barley drinkable.
The front door slammed shut and loud voices boomed across from the living room. Apparently the guys were home.
“For one he can fly, for two he has that laser eye thing. He’s a freakin alien. How many more reasons do you need?” Frankie was smiling as he walked into the kitchen setting a bag down on the counter.
Bob soon fallowed with three more bags from various fast food places, his voice seemed worn out like he had used this argument on more then one occasion. “Yeah but spidey could just zap a web on him and none of that would matter.”
Frankie rolled his eyes stealing Gerard’s coffee from in front of him. “Come on, man of steel he can break buildings with his hands. Even if Spiderman managed to web him he’d just punch the building behind him and get loose then send that parasite into orbit.” he made a face as he took a sip from the stale sludge of coffee. “Gee this does not taste good at all.”
“Superman wears woman’s underwear.” bob looked a little to smug with his answer.
“Gee did you hear him, the blasphemy.” he noticed Gerard slumping against his chair his head in his arms and forgot about the debate immediately. “What’s wrong?”
“Jesus cant you two just shut up for one minute. Neither one would win THEY ARE MADE UP. END OF DISCUSSION” he screamed at the pair and walked back upstairs slamming his door. His head kept throbbing with the tale tale signs of an approaching headache. Without thinking his hands started scavenging across his desk looking for any pill containers he may have left out. There was a neat heart shaped box full of old bottles long empty and currently stashing anything he didn’t want anyone knowing about. Condoms decorated the left side while a few old depression bottles held different types of weed. As well as an e bomb or two in the old effexor bottles. His hands started opening the bottles spilling pink pills across his palm only to put them back and pull another open, containing small white tablets.
thump… thump…. thump
There was always pot if it came down to it but he was more scatter brained then he cared to be at the moment. Getting that kind of high wasn’t to appealing at the moment. He finally found a bottle with two small peach colored pills at the bottom. Bingo.
Thump… thump… thump
One pill went back into the bottle for safe keeping and the other was put on his desk while he looked for something to cut it with. His chest started to pound and his brain kept screaming at him like a hundred voices were inside all speaking at once. As he searched for a knife of some sort the voices got louder. The idea of death kept rising to the top of his mind.
Thump thump… thump thump
His heart squeezed itself uncomfortably and his breathing started to quicken. ‘Your useless piece of shit look what your doing.’ a pencil and pen were in an old mug he made in high school. The colors around it fading into dull grey like an old black and white TV show. ‘That wont help you any. you feel it coming. You’re going to die.’
Thump thump thump thump thump
“SHUT UP” he screamed into the silent room and pulled the writing utensils out tipping the mug over and searching through loose change and old quarter machine shit. ‘Do you feel it, your heart is stopping’. He brought his hand up quickly to his chest and pressed against his heart trying to feel a beat.
Thump…….. Thump
He grabbed a flattened penny from one of those souvenir places and pushed it down on the middle of his pills cutting it in half quickly. “I’m not dead yet” he practically screamed at the voice in his head and threw the pill in his mouth chewing it up so it would work faster. ‘But you are, your already dead just lie down and die’.
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