FicWad

It was only a matter of time really. Truthfully, it was over before it had even started. That knowledge had never meant much to me before, but it seemed like a fucking billboard now, shouting “I told you so” before smacking me around the head.

Sometimes I really wish I listened.


I knew exactly when it ended, or perhaps only the moment when I acknowledged that it ended. The day I really opened my eyes and looked around me. Looked at him. The day I saw the way he looked at me change. Watched something cloud the hazel that had only paraded love. Something harsher.

Pain.

I knew instantly that I'd caused that change. Knew that I was the reason he didn’t look me in the eye and in that moment that I knew my eyes had changed too. The realization that my feelings had altered without my permission felt like being stabbed. Repeatedly.

Even with the understanding, my heart refused to stop calling his name, refused to stop struggling to escape the confines of my chest and launch itself at him, if only to let him know that he still owned it. I pressed a shaking hand against my chest to make sure my betraying heart stayed in place.

I didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to bring it to the forefront of our thoughts because that would make it real. Would make it final. Would mean he’d leave. I knew without a doubt that leaving would be his reaction. He never dealt well with pain. Neither of us did. So, I clamped my lips shut, my eyes locked on him as he wandered aimlessly from the window to the couch, the couch to the kitchen, sat, stood, walked back to the window only to repeat the cycle. My eyes never wavered as he continued his restless pageant.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was barely above a whisper, almost lost in the distance between us as he stopped in front of me. His eyes remained on the floor, avoiding my own which ogled in a desperate plea. I pressed my lips tighter together to keep my promise. “I can’t do this anymore…” If I look away he’ll disappear, surely he can’t leave if I have him locked away in the chest of my gaze. “Frank?” His eyes are lifting; the hazel bright as his voice is dull and I can feel the sharp prick behind my own.

“Don’t leave…I need you.” The corners of his lips lift up in my favorite smirk, his hand reaching out to touch my cheek and I can pretend that my affection hasn’t been replaced by emptiness, that his touch still sends tingles racing down my spine and into my stomach like fireworks.

“No you don’t. You never did.” My head’s shaking in disagreement, my heart destroying its cage even as I shun the truth of his words.

“I do. I love you.” My insistence seems weak to my ears, my imagination revealing a flair for the dramatic. “I’ll die without you.” His frown is instant.

“Don’t joke Frank. We both know I have to leave. I’m not meant to stay.” The prickling behind my eyes is stronger than ever, blinking rapidly to keep treacherous tears at bay a weak tactic.

“Did you ever even fucking care? Were you always going to just up and leave me? Why’d you even take so fucking long?” My voice is rough, the words biting, but still his fingers are on my cheeks, soothing, caressing as the anger boils up in my chest, turning my heart to ash.

“Of course I cared. I love you Frank. I’ll always love you.” His eyelids flutter shut, fingers still stroking absently along my cheek before dragging themselves into my unwashed hair. “Maybe that’s part of the problem, I honestly don’t know.” A sigh rips itself past his lips, a gentle hum reverberating around the room, through my bones. “All I know is I need to leave before you realize you’re not in love with me anymore.”

The volcano of my feelings is overflowing, destroying anything in its path, a picture of desolation. My lungs constrict against the heat.

“I’ll always love you Gee…” He shakes his head again, the soft black strands obscuring his eyes before he tucks them away, leaving porcelain skin in full view. My fingers do not stretch out to reach it even as my wretched heart begs them to.

“Maybe for now you do, but we both know if I stay those feelings won’t last much longer. I don’t want to be here when they change Frank. I love you too much to watch you hate me.” I want to scream at him, to shake him until he takes back the accusation, but my lungs are burning and my arms are locked under the weight of his stare, glued to the cushions beneath me, so I just stare up at him.

“Who knows what’ll happen Frank, all I know is that right now, you’re not in love with me, not like you used to be, not like you’re supposed to be, not like I love you. So, I’m going to leave before you figure that out.”

There are no more words. My lips move but words don’t break the barrier, there aren’t words in my vocabulary that express what I want, what I feel, so I’m left, surrounded by sounds. Sounds that pound through the ears of the two bodies in the house. Drawers opening and closing, fists pounding into leather, the buzz of the zipper of a suitcase, quiet wails, dragging feet on a staircase, a trembled sigh, the slam of a door closing and the shattering of only one heart. Then there’s only silence.

I stare at the walls until they’re invisible in the darkness. My charred heart beginning up a dull throb in my chest, a cruel reminder to my own existence.

I know he won’t be back, that no amount of wishful thinking will bring him running through the front door, his face alight with happiness and love because he’s right. The fact that my heart is still beating is proof.

It was over before it started. It just took me awhile to realize it.

-----
Just a little something that wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down.
Let me know what you think - reviews and ratings are appreciated and demanded!

Cheers
Kat